The Healing Process...

For years I had lived with the shame and guilt that comes with abuse. Thinking that I was unworthy of living a joyful life. I was molested three times by three different male figures that were supposed to be positive models in my life. The first incident happened when I was 7 years old. It was a relative that lured me into a garage with the expectation of retrieving something for a family dinner. He grabbed me which resulted in him kissing and groping me in the dark. After that incident I never returned to this man's house and never told my mother for fear of rejection from family. I was extremely scared and confused because I never had been exposed to anything remotely like that.

My next incident was around 9 years of age when a close friend of the family that knew me since I was born. I felt as though I could trust him like a "father figure" because he was adored by my family and a constant presence in our home. One day my mother was cleaning the house and I was told to open the door for this man. When I did -I greeted him and told him that my mother was busy but told him where he could find her. The next moment I realized that he was following me into my room instead of going in the opposite direction. He closed my bedroom door pushed me down on the bed. He took one arm and held me down and took the other arm to pull up my dress, and started to fondle my genitals. He asked me if i enjoyed it. I started to scream and cry. When he realized that my mother could possibly hear me over her vacuuming he had stopped. He got up, left, closed my door and I didn't leave my room until I knew he was gone. I came to my mother crying asking her why didn't she hear me screaming and she responed that "she didn't hear anything" . I told her what happened and she looked at me as if it was untrue and possibly a dream. She never mentioned it again or encouraged me to speak up. I just thought it was suppose to be a painful experience that I was suppose to suffer in silence forever for. He would come by a few more times after that but as I got older I demanded that my mother never let him in the house again. She would just meet him at the door , which would hurt me more because I felt as though my cry for help was being ignored all over again.

My last incident happened when I was 15 years old, and I was sleeping at my best friend's parents home. My friend had left me alone in her bedroom to go and tend to her sister. I was laying across the bed, and all of a sudden her father came into the room. he began to tell me how he liked me and thought I was attractive. I began to get uncomfortable and tried to get up to leave the room, but he pushed me back down and got on top of me and proceeded to grind his pelvis on top of mine while asking me if I enjoyed it. I began to cry and said no. He got up and told me to never tell anyone. I was horrified and decided to tell my best friend. She was upset and started to hollar at me . Telling me that I was crazy and to deny it immediately. I was so afraid and ashamed that this was happening again that I said I must have misinterpreted what happened. Till this day we are still friends but she has no clue that I carry this secret about the man she looks up to. For years I was scared to be in the same room with him and anytime I see him on holidays he would grab me and ask me when am I going to come see him again. I turn into that little girl all over again, and he knows it. I carry this till this day and it kills me.

I have begun to learn to heal by not blaming myself but it has caused me to suffer in my relationships with men. I can never trust or rely on a man in a relationship. I always think they are trying to take advantage of me and will hurt me in the long run. I thank God for helping me to see that I am not defined by what has happened to me and finding the strength to overcome the shame and embarassment i have felt for years. But question when I will be able to have a stable foundation in my next relationship.

I admire your desire to move forward, and your acknowledgement of the importance of forgiving yourself. The truth is, things change as soon as you are ready for them to. One way to begin is to assess where you are today. What do you feel like you are not getting?

Thank you for your response and encouragement. You are completely right that things change as soon as you are ready for them to. Before I found Black Survivors I realized that I was connected to my past (my story) and letting it define me as a person and dictating my future. As I look at my life now I see that I'm allowing myself to heal and confront all the feelings that I buried. At those lowest times, I felt abandoned, neglected, and unworthy. The things I have felt that I was not getting was acknowledgement and confronting the person(s) involved; which resulted in it spilling over into other areas of life. I'm in a place of healing that I have began to confront the issues with myself and began to speak out about it and with others. My mother and I have discussed what has happened and I found out the secrets that happened to her in life. And it opened up doors that helped me to see the reasons why her reaction was what it was. Now that I have taken these beginning steps it helps me to be stronger and find my self-esteem.

I love what I'm hearing from you. You are making great progress! Finding your self esteem is deeply rooted in forgiveness. Are you harboring any unforgiveness in your heart for anyone, including yourself?