The pain is holding me back

I am engaged I still feel ugly and dirty from the abused I received when I was 6 years old it has stuck with me throughout my life. I remember as a teen I fault ugly and had very low esteem. I still remember everything that happen when I was abused. It's very hard it was someone in my immediate family. I feel that I haven't accomplished things I need because of this. I want to let it go but it still hurts to this day the pain of feeling dirty as a child is just no words to describe it. I do have good days then there are days I am upset. I don't want the pain to over take me so I am trying to move past this for me.............................

Ladyreed, I don't know your age, but if you have told someone or just did so on this site, it is the first step.

Believe me, not telling, until my late 30's-40's kept me in a prison, then having a husband/family who could not understand why I acted like I did because neither did I, until way later as I continued to seek help.

I talked to a lady therapist for years, but never told anyone else, to my regret. My mother passed away not knowing the truth. After revealing the truth, everyone did not come out and throw me a party either. Some went undercover with their truth and mine, as if not talking about it will remove that it even happened.

A realization that I had many, many years after my marriage and divorce was that the more we got closer as husband and wife, it brought up more feelings of the sexual abuse, of my family unit that had alcoholism and more physical abuse. Marriage felt alien to me, it was "not normal" to me. I acted out in so many ways causing much shame and bewilderment to my husband, children, friends and me too.

I could not enjoy marital sex in bed because my past sexual abuse experiences were on the floor, basement, alleys, parking lots and created so much pain and confusion for my husband, rest his soul. I love him for being there for my children, when I wasn't.

Then in my late 40's, I read "Loving Relationships" and I understood that I had married my father, was acting like my mother and that freed me (knowledge is power). That book helped me free myself from triangle relationships with other women's husbands and I know that I will never be a part of a triangle again.

Knowledge allowed me to change the ways I was acting like my mother, I went to court to stop the violence, got separated until my husband got sober (remained sober 35+ years until his death), then I got divorced to live. We remained friends until his death. I apologize to him now for all that I put him through, I did not know then.

I feel like Shame is a billboard that I carried around my whole life, but like they say, "you do better when you know better". Yes, no matter how much anyone told me that I was pretty or smart, I could not believe it.

The sadder part of that is my children have to work harder on their self-esteem, self-confidence because I could not give them what I felt I did not have.

I also found out years later that I cared for my children with love and responsibility, but I was afraid that maybe I might abuse them which pushed them away, separated us, making them feel not as loved by me.

I never did abuse them, however, they may not feel my real love for them ever.

Regrets, guilt, beating oneself never helps, I try in my own way to show them that I do and did love them.

Circumstances in life, like being abused as a child for example, alters everything and I have found people can only feel what they felt, not what you suffered up to that point. So you go on and try your best to be the best that you can.

I try to speak to my little self, to ask forgiveness, to give her protection by getting knowledge not to let anyone hurt us again. It is not an easy road, ladyreed, but you can get the tools to walk it more confidently and change your future.

Remember, secrets always hurt, they hurt the first time and they hurt again when they are revealed. As you read the various stories, you will find someone that has suffered far more then you or I and some who have not suffered as much as you and I, but pain is pain.

It will help us grow, to fulfill our purpose on this plane. Do not give up, ever!

If I can advise anyone, it is that you get it out into the universe, tell someone, as soon as possible, so you don't carry the shame/guilt inside.

Remember also, it is a lie, you are perfect as is, ladyreed, you have all the gifts/talents right inside of you waiting to come out, believe that if you believe nothing else.

Santacruz1997