This Is My Story

It is very hard for me to be truthful about this and to tell. I tried to tell once but I just got told to never speak of it again. When I was nine years old my cousin took my virginity. He said he had too. He treated me like I was filthy, dirty, and like I wasn't a child. He wouldn't let me play outside when my mom had him babysit us. If I was in the company of another boy he would belittle me and make me come in the house. Once he stopped watching us I found myself having sex with all these other little boys. Just because I though I had too. I was 9 and didn't understand what was happening to me and I guess I just thought that sex was what I was here for. When I was 12 my step-father called me into my mothers bedroom. He asked me to close the door and he showed me porn. Soon after that he started molesting me. This went on until I was 15. I told a friend on the phone after I had locked myself in the bathroom to keep him from waking me. I believed that of I stayed up all night he wouldn't do it anymore and that I could tell my mom. When I told her she barely even reacted. She called me out of my name. Told me I was a whore and that I was trying to steal her man. That was the most demeaning moment of my life, even more so than the abuse. I stood there while she was cussing me out just thinking but you are supposed to protect me. Where have you been. Before that I was broken but that day I just shut down. I knew that I had no one and that I was alone. I was once a very outgoing happy go-lucky child until that day. Something just broke on the inside of me. At 25 I had managed to gain some insight in life. I dropped the weight and started to feel a whole lot better about who I was. Then a friend from the past came back. He was much to old to be my friend. He was 20 years older than me. To me it was normal at the time because I had already begun dating me older than me. I met him for the first time and at first I felt safe. Then he too propositioned me. I felt low and sick but I went along with it because like in my childhood I thought this was what friends did. Every time after that he would abuse me in exchange for his friendship. I shared everything with him before this. When I finally got the nerve to say no he put me on blast to all our mutual friends. Made me look like I was obsessed with him and crazy. So I gained all of the weight back trying to cope with the hurt. This final blow really ruined me. I feel sad, hopeless, unattractive, and unworthy. Some how I managed to get my associates degree out of all of this mess. I started art school last month but ended up leaving that because of the psychological head games involved. I just feel so sad. I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says go ahead and abuse me. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything, and sometimes I just want to die. I am so tired of being a victim, having nightmares, and just plan old losing in life. What I could once hide I just can't anymore. I just want to know what are the next steps hat I should take so that I can recover and live a normal life.

I read your story and would like to know if you would like to share your story for my book? I'm protecting all those by not listing name, age, occupation
address, etc. If you would like to share your story with others and help a situation in others by telling your story I would be thankful. You can reach me
at my email chosen1022@yahoo.com. thank you