Sexual Abuse and Sexuality

Some people believe that if you were abused sexually, you will become gay. But I do not believe this is true. Now I was abused, and I am gay but these feelings existed far before the abuse that I remember. So, do you think there is a correlation? I have friends who are gay and never ever went through the stuff I went through.

Hi Heavysoul!

That's a tough question, and I've heard both sides of the argument for years. Let me first say, that I do not know of the stats or psychological stance on this is, but I do think this depends on the person. I personally do not believe all gay people have been sexually abused. I do however personally know of a few gay people who were sexually abused as children and struggled with defining their sexuality as they got older. But I also know gay people who were sexually abused and say they were not influenced by the sexual abuse they endured from their past. I think it really depends on the person and how well they know themselves, and were aware of their sexuality before and after the sexual abuse.

heavysoul12 wrote:Some people believe that if you were abused sexually, you will become gay. But I do not believe this is true. Now I was abused, and I am gay but these feelings existed far before the abuse that I remember. So, do you think there is a correlation? I have friends who are gay and never ever went through the stuff I went through.

Okay so you all know my story of growing up in poverty with a mother who was addicted to drugs and had mental health issues. You know of the molestation, low self-esteem, nasty divorce I went through with my husband trying to take my kid etc. But what has threatened to send me into a Depression and make me feel like I did not want to live at times is my sexuality as it relates to being a Christian. I am a devout Baptist Christian who has had an attraction to women as long as I can remember...even before the sexual abuse. I remember having crushes at 4 and 5 on women present in my life (teachers etc.). And I remember being a pre-teen and teenager praying to God to take "it" away but it never went anywhere. So I figure if these gay feelings would not go away, I would supress them for years. I did that but 7 years later, they came bursting out of me and I cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend whom I was inlove with. Then I figured marrying my boyfriend would certainly cause the gay to go away, and even though I never cheated, the feelings never went away. Now, I am a mature Christian living a Lesbian lifestyle and hating myself for being this way. But I did not ask to be gay no more than I asked to be Black. I could be celibate and still be gay. And my family disagrees with it, and I was just in my grandmother's church on Sunday and they talked about the sin of homosexuality as if there were no other sins in the world present...lol! I wake up some mornings and question the point of my existence. Why would God create me this way, if he despied it/me? And bigger than that, why would he allow me to go through all that stuff? I am beautiful, successful but I wear the mask of "okayness". I hate who I am, but I can not let other people know. That self hatred affects my relationships...and my thoughts and my EVERYTHING! Some people think it was because I was molested but I do not necessarily agree.

You raise some great questions. I personally believe that the reason why we all exist is to help each others, so please know that your story is helping others heal. You'll see more evidence of this as time goes on. However the topic of sexuality & spirituality is an important issue and I will try to seek some sexual abuse survivors that are more experienced to post on this subject because I do think it's important for them to be on this board. However, I will share with you one way to look at this: When we keep questioning why, we remain stuck as victims. There was a period of time that I kept questioning if God loved me because family members sexually abused me. I eventually gave up asking why and INSTEAD focused on other parts of my recovery that I could change. Yes, this is easier said than done, but doable. And, sometimes focusing on another part of your recovery will help you manage if not find answers to other issues in your life. I know this answer doesn't fully address your question nor the issue of sexuality, but, try to hang in there till others are able to post replys on this topic to help you. In the meantime, not sure if I already asked you this, but have you read any books in the "Courage to Heal" series? Because they also address this topic in there as well.

Thank you for your kind words as always, and I hope that you are right about being an inspiration to someone one day. But you know something you said that really stuck with me is "stop questioning why". Questioning leads you nowhere. And I truly feel that way. At church on Sunday, the pastor said, "stop focusing on the obvious...what is...the things that you can not control." You have to just keep moving and focus on the things in your life that you can control, and utilize the things that you do have. I mean I am in a Lesbian relationship right now, so it is obvious that I am just trying to live life the only way I know how right now and not ask why so much. But the process of inner healing is so so slow. I am holding on though. And no, I have not read "The Courage to Heal" yet. I keep hearing about it though.

You're welcome! It's a process. I know I've probably said this before, but I really do admire your commitment to recovery. You are a survivor in every sense of the word! Not many can survive what you have endured!

Sometimes I have to remember that I am a survivor and have endured a lot. My friends always say, "I can not believe you are what you are after enduring this or that." And it is not until that moment that it clicks, "wow, I am kinda strong. I am a survivor."