Should Sexual Abuse Survivors Date Other Sexual Abuse Survivors

You know I have a wonderful girlfriend, but I sometimes feel lonely even though she is right there because she never went through sexual abuse and does not have a clue what it is like, and the effects of the abuse on me, my life and my relationships. In my mind, I sometimes say "I wish I had a lover who understands, perhaps because they have been through it too?" But that would be a mess I suppose. But even in that mess, at least there would be empathy and understanding. I do not know. What do you think?

I was just thinking that many of us are in relationships with sexual abuse survivors & don't even know it. Believe it or not, one of the most questions I get from people is "How do I know if I'm a sexual abuse survivor?" because they don't know what happened to them as a child was sexual abuse. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic. To answer your question, I think it's OK either way. However, I strongly believe that sexual abuse survivor or not, your partner should be someone supportive in your recovery and willing to grow with you...As most of you know, I teach a workshop for black sexual abuse survivors, and I have had past students who have said they had really supportive partners who in some cases were so inspired by their recovery that they too got help so that the relationship could be healthy.

Thanks for the answer to that question. That gives me hope just in case I ever mess with a sexual abuse survivor in the future! So it CAN BE DONE! I have tried to explain on several occassions to my partner that as the result of my past and sexual abuse, I may not be as intimate, or why I do not trust her, or people or men, or why I am moody, or why I shut down and do not talk. And I think she is supportive in that she forgives me for those things and she has been a "rider" for 3 years now, good and bad, ups and downs. But how in the heck do I get her to just get it, show empathy and trust her with these feelings, emotions and scars that she does not understand??? I have tried several things. Any suggestions?

Unfortunately, we can't get the people in our lives to do anything they either can't or don't want to do. But you can show people how to treat you. For instance, all the things you want from your girlfriend, do you give those things to her? Do you treat her the way you want to be treated. She may not be a sexual abuse survivor, but everyone has their own needs & issues, so I'm wondering if you are understanding about her needs in the relationship? If you are attentive to those areas of her life, she may be more willing to respond to your needs in the relationship....Just some food for thought. There's no magic answer, but this may be a start to addressing your relationship concerns.

Its so funny that you brought up that point, because I know I am not giving her the things that she needs. However, it is not because I do not want to, it is because I do not know how to. It's a Catch 22 here and you can see that. I have been with her three years and only half the people in my life knows who she is to me. I am half in and half out with my sexuality. That of course hurts her, and she lets me know that, but I have personal issues that I have not tackled yet which, in affect, directly impacts her. I do not know if I can give her what she needs but she will not go. So then that leads to insecurity. I think, "why is she still here?" "she is surely cheating" "why does she love me?"

Those are great questions to ask her...are you ready for whatever her response might be?

heavysoul12 wrote:Its so funny that you brought up that point, because I know I am not giving her the things that she needs. However, it is not because I do not want to, it is because I do not know how to. It's a Catch 22 here and you can see that. I have been with her three years and only half the people in my life knows who she is to me. I am half in and half out with my sexuality. That of course hurts her, and she lets me know that, but I have personal issues that I have not tackled yet which, in affect, directly impacts her. I do not know if I can give her what she needs but she will not go. So then that leads to insecurity. I think, "why is she still here?" "she is surely cheating" "why does she love me?"

I have asked her those questions a million times before. And one of the reasons I keep asking her the same thing over and over again is because I really have not got what I was looking for, or fully understand what she means. Sometimes she says, "girl I do not know why I am so inlove with you?" ANd even though she says it while playing, my insecurties flare up because I do not have a clue why she does either. It is really frustrating because it is almost like she is connected to me on a deeper level and can not explain why she is so deeply connected to me. She says the good things about me like my spirituality, sense of humor and great ways with the kids. But it does not feel like enough to answer my questions. But then again, nothing may.