The story that changed my life

After a 15 months of the memories coming back I have better accuracy of telling the story. I have received some healing by prayer and a healing module. I believe in The Bible and while reading a couple passages I had to understand having their names in post could be a form of revenge or some sort and I didn't understand that 15 months ago. Healing anger, frustration, ,and bitterness is process of commitment, faith, and belief in The Father. I've always had flashbacks between ages of 14-23 but I started to notice the flashback more when I was 18. I would experience 3-7 seconds of any of the particular sexual abuse memories and it happened like once every 2 to 3 months by itself or through various amount of stress. I ignored and said, "I couldn't of done that" or "this must be somebody else's memories that I remember". The memories were still repressed, it was when I was 23 after doing some type brain training program that said stuff like this can happen like releasing repressed memories, that the memories started to pour out one by one. At that time had no information on what I was going through or if their was any help to get me through it. And for that reason I couldn't handle the way the memories had on my self esteem, physical performance, and various other burdens. When thinking of the memories their was so much shame, disgust, and veneer of unbelievability of what I believed I "let them do to me". The psychological and physiology of the memories  made me rethink my reality I've told myself, the future possibilities for myself, and how I would be judged. More flashbacks and vividness came and I come to find out I did do that. I was sexual abused when I was 11 by two of my closest friends. They were both boys and one was 11 and one was 12. I went through 5-7 homosexual acts.

Those two are not your friends. Good friends never take advantage of you or try to harm you. Good friends alway see the best in you and challenge you to be your best. Good friends support you and love you for the unique individual you are.

I'm so glad you gave yourself permission to get the help you need. It is very common for Survivors to experience a breakthrough crisis, where the defense mechanisms you used to protect yourself as a child no longer work. Your brain wants to align with what is happening in your life today, but when this happens old memories, and feelings can begin to breakthrough. If this is what you are experiencing you can choose to seek professional help, self help or a mixture of both. By coming to this group you have already began utilizing self-help, and if that proves to be the best route for you continue it. Just don't try to do it alone.

If you're a journaler, write some positive affirmations about what your experiencing. Some examples are, "I survived the abuse, I can survive this also," or "There is a treasure in every trauma." Though you may not feel positive right now try to write down whatever comes to mind about managing your situation, but do it in a positive way. You want to begin changing the way you view the abuse.

As a survivor of multiple types of abuse I know that it can be so difficult to see the light at the end of this tunnel. But keep giving yourself the permission to heal, everyday, taking it one step at a time. You can do it! You are more powerful than you know!