Meet the Administrator

Hi,
I'm Sylvia, also the administrator. I would like to welcome you to blacksurvivors.org, the online support group. I developed this support group so that black sexual abuse survivors would know that they're not alone..that they can lean upon each other and do so annonymously. You will see me posting alot of things on this site, but feel free to ask myself or anyone in this group whatever's on your mind. Just a little about me, I'm in my early 30s, and I've written a memoir detailing my own story and recovery as a survivor (http://www.lulu.com/content/2533021). I am also a writer and an editor. In additon, I teach workshops for adult, black sexual abuse survivors and their supporters. I enjoy helping other sexual abuse survivors and I consider this online support group one of many ways to heal.

Sylvia

Hi. I too am a survivor. Heard about this site a few years ago and was blessed with information that helped me become more aware of myself.
Since my self realization in 1994 I began my quest to rid myself of this "thing" hanging on me like a dead animal.
The information on the website was more of an insight as to why I acted out when I was younger. By the age of 9 I was a "regular" in the principals office, constantly getting into fights in and out of school.
I brought a gun to school in the 3rd grade to scare a kid trying to bully me. (Yes, I was caught and was sentenced to probation for 4 years). My hostile behavior towards others and my "promiscuous" behavior throughout my younger years got worse until I reached high school.
I have long since seperated myself from that lifestlye and thank God for keeping me from what could of been a dark path to Drugs, Jail or Death. My life is like anyone elses who can testify to the glory of God!
I ask that you read, research and pray. God will do the rest. God Bless Yaw'll.

Thanks for sharing Equality! And welcome to Blacksurvivors.org...I know it's hard for alot of sexual abuse survivors to develop a relationship with God, so I do admire your courage and faith.

Hi all. I am too a survivor of sexual abuse. I have recently began my journey to healing. I am married and in my 30's. I am happy to have found this online support group as I feel it is great to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with those who understand where you are coming from. I look forward to speaking (typing ) with you all and I hope we can help one another in our journey to healing.
Philly Girl

Welcome Philly Girl!

Hey Philly girl! I was wondering how being a sexual abuse survivor has affected you personally, like your marriage?

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philly girl wrote:Hi all. I am too a survivor of sexual abuse. I have recently began my journey to healing. I am married and in my 30's. I am happy to have found this online support group as I feel it is great to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with those who understand where you are coming from. I look forward to speaking (typing ) with you all and I hope we can help one another in our journey to healing.
Philly Girl

I am a married mother of 2 and a survivor of sexual abuse. I was looking through the BSAS coping mechanisms and realized several of them describe me. My healing journey pretty much began and ended with reading The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis. I thought after completing the exercises, I would be "healed" but I realize there is no quick fix. My memory is terrible but I do know that I was abused in 2 different states by different men who never knew each other. As a result, I thought it was something I was doing and it was all my fault. On top of that, they would "teach" me about sex, so needless to say I was promiscuous. I became a single mother at 20 and before I was 30 I was a stripper. I lived a fast life but meeting my husband changed everything. He brought me to the Lord where I got saved and baptized for the first time. Our life is pretty quiet right now (I'm loving it!) and sometimes it's hard to believe my past. Right now, I'm struggling with just leaving it there and moving on like nothing happened. But as I mentioned earlier, those coping mechanisms keep popping up.

equality7 wrote:My hostile behavior towards others and my "promiscuous" behavior throughout my younger years got worse until I reached high school.

What happened in high school that caused you to change?

I can definitely relate when you talk about experiencing some of the coping mechanisms. I too read "The Courage to Heal." But I have a confession to make: At one point, I completely stopped doing anything related to healing for almost 2 years. I stopped therapy. I stopped going to my support group. For some reason I thought I could manage on my own. During the time I stopped, I began having difficulty again making and keeping friends and my negative attitude returned. It may sound bizarre, but I was like an alcoholic that fell off the wagon. Thank God a friend reached out to me and got me back into therapy and support group. I'm not saying therapy and support group are for everyone, but I do know that sexual abuse survivors need a REGULAR support system to deal specifically with the sexual abuse, be it a group of friends, pastor, family, something or someone who can speak specifically to the sexual abuse with knowledge. Otherwise, like an alcoholic, we relapse to some of our old behaviors...Anyway, I'm glad you are here, Ms. Rich to get the support you need. I know your story is going to help others in their healing process.

mrsrich02 wrote:

equality7 wrote:My hostile behavior towards others and my "promiscuous" behavior throughout my younger years got worse until I reached high school.

What happened in high school that caused you to change?

I began to realize that I didn't want to lead a life of drama. I began to seek out a monogomous realationship. I began to mature mentally/emotionally.

Being a survivor has certainly effected my personal life. I find myself very agressive at times and short tempered with everyone including friends and especially my spouse. I often believe I don't deserve good things and find myself committing self-sabotage. I find it very hard to trust people, especially men. I try really hard not to accuse my husband of things but find it extremely difficult. This experience effects me in many ways. I try to remain aware of my feelings and try to keep them under control as best as I can. I will admit, it is a HARD thing to do.

philly girl wrote:Being a survivor has certainly effected my personal life.

Has it affected your professional life too? I recently realized my lack of respect for authority came from my abuse. There were adults in the neighborhood who knew what was happening to me but they called me a freak, slut, etc. I was in elementary school and the boys abusing me were in high school or older.

Wow! I can definitely relate Philly Girl & Ms. Rich. Your level of trust definitely becomes broken when you've been through what we've been through. As a result, I know I personally have to move very slow when I meet people. I have to warm up to them in terms of how far I let them into my life...and it's like this with friends, family and coworkers. When I was reading, "The Courage to Heal," I found out that the whole trust thing and issues with authority definitely stem from the sexual abuse. Sometimes dealing with people who are in a position to exert power over you feels like re-victimization.

i have never admitted this to ANYONE. but one of my biggest fears is that i will abuse my children. i am extemely affraid to have children although i really want them. i wonder if because i was abbused that i will become an abbuser. i have been affraid to verbalize this because i think if i actually say this to someone, they will never look at me the same. i have never told my partner because i think he will be afraid to have children with me. has anyone else had these thoughts???? please give your feedback !

Yes, I can definitely relate! I am undecided about having kids because I am concerned about my ability to protect them from sexual abusers. I know it's impossible to be with a child every minute of the day, but I still don't want to risk having a child go through what I went through growing up being abused. It took a long time for me to get to the point I'm at now to heal myself. On the other hand, I now have the tools to teach a child about sexual abuse if I were to ever have one, so that is comforting to know at times. Regarding your situation, this may sound strange, but what you're feeling is actually very normal. I have met many sexual abuse survivors who feel the same way as you do about having kids. Several of them said that going into therapy really helped them deal with this situation, and gave them the courage to dicuss it with their partners... I will also say that when dealing with the effects of sexual abuse, it is also common to feel one way today about an issue and feel differently about the same issue at a later date and time. I'm not saying this in a way to encourage to have children, but I am saying that may be your boyfriend will be willing to consider your feelings. Before I got help with the abuse, I was seriously ADAMANT about not having kids. Now, I am undecided, which means I am no longer completely against having kids like I was before, which actual shows a sign of personal growth and healing. However, in the end, I still may never have children, and that's OK too. But a BIG part of healing is being patient with yourself and giving yourself the option to change my mind. I admit, this is easier said than done; especially when you have to take in consideration someone else's feelings. But if they are truly down for you, they will accept your decision. Regarding the boyfriend, have you had a chance to talk to him about your concerns?

I have not had directly spoken to him about my concerns. I have told him that I do want to have children but I am not sure if I would be a goof mom. His response is that he thinks I would be a great mom. It was nice to hear him say that, but inside it did not change the way I felt about my own abilities. I do pray about it. I am hopeful that with my jorney to healing, I will be able to get over these thought and many others. I am hopeful that I will be able to live a "normal" life. I am most hopeful that one day I will be able to use my experience to help someone else. Philly Girl

Hey Philly girl! I wish I had a supportive man like yours! At least you know when or if you are ready, he will be there. For now, try being patient with your healing process. Again, easier said than done, but as you focus on your healing, the issue with whether or not to have kids will resolve itself. However, I would be interested in what others in this group have to say on the topic too since I'm sure this issue has crossed the minds of other survivors. In any case, I think you are so brave to be so honest about how you feel. Your question is going to help alot folks with this issue ....By the way, if you haven't already, check out "The Courage to Heal" book when you get a chance. It's the BEST book I ever read on dealing with sexual abuse. Hang in there girl!!!

Hi - I heard about this site today on the radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to talk with people with similar experiences. I am an incest survivor. I am in my 40's - married with two children and challenged with trying to make my marriage work when intimacy (at times ) is difficult. I was molested my an uncle when I was 7 years old. I have been trying to heal (from time to time) but I have not been succesfull. I feel that I have aloud the pain to cripple me and keep me from moving forward in several arenas and I would like to finally put it behind me, let go of the anger and move on.

Hi Michparr,
Welcome! You are so right, recovery can be challenging, espcially when you have a family that you are trying to hold together. What I have found personally & with other sexual abuse survivors, is that trust, patience & consistency can be big issues for us. In the beginning of my recovery, I was trying out different things to heal. Somethings I didn't stick with long enough to see if it would work. Other times, I simply wasn't ready. I remember telling one therapist that "I didn't want to leave until I was healed." I was so ignorant back then. I can laugh about it now, but I truly thought that if I got it all out in one session that I would be "fixed." I was trying to rush myself before it was time. So I had to learn to be patient with the recovery process. I had emotional blockages that weren't allowing me to move on as fast as I would have liked. So, I say all this to say, that the recovery process requires consistency. One of the MOST POWERFUL WAYS TO HEAL, is to keep talking about the abuse or impact of it because the more you talk about it, the less shameful you feel & the less hold it will have on you emotionally, so you are in the right place, here on this site. Also, if you haven't already, I would get "The Courage to Heal" book by Laura Davis & Ellen Bass. This is the BEST book I've ever read on sexual abuse. It's great for both women and men. By the way, what radio station did you hear about this site on?



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michparr wrote:Hi - I heard about this site today on the radio. I am thankful for the opportunity to talk with people with similar experiences. I am an incest survivor. I am in my 40's - married with two children and challenged with trying to make my marriage work when intimacy (at times ) is difficult. I was molested my an uncle when I was 7 years old. I have been trying to heal (from time to time) but I have not been succesfull. I feel that I have aloud the pain to cripple me and keep me from moving forward in several arenas and I would like to finally put it behind me, let go of the anger and move on.

philly girl wrote:i have never admitted this to ANYONE. but one of my biggest fears is that i will abuse my children. please give your feedback !

i know what you mean. i get thoughts like that all the time but i've NEVER acted on them. they call people that do vampires. abusers tend to become one or they are hyper vigilant about protecting their children. if this concerns you and you have never done it before, i wouldn't worry too much. sadly, those type of thoughts are going to be with us. pray for the strength to never act upon them.

Well, I came here after looking at a few items on the net. Good. Yet I realize that I am very much impacted by my coping strategies which are proving very ineffective in terms of maintaining a relationship. Was abused when I was a child maybe 6/7. As a result, I too have struggled with questions about my sexuality -- partly because I was turned on by what happened; I was aroused. I had a hard time relating to kids my age. Tended to be a loner. Not wanting to be around folk lest they found out about me, and then that would be the end of me.
So much has happened since then, I am now 42. I have had my share of experiences, just confronted my overeating addiction last year only to realize that it was coping mechanism when I did not want to deal with the pain inflicted on my by persons closest to me. I have engaged in same sex relationships as a means of confronting my "attractions" to men. I felt that I got that "monkey" off my chest because I choose to confront what I thought were genuine issues. I realized that it was just as much work being a homosexual as it was being a heterosexual. And I did not have a desire to be a top or a bottom. I left the lifestyle alone. Got married. And have entertained more problems since being married because I really never developed coping skills to confront problems in my life. Uncontrolled anger -- regret to say that I have had two encounters with men not because of love/lust, but simply as a means of self-abuse. Someone hurt me, and I wanted to hurt someone. There was no sexual penetrations -- no transmission of body fluids. Yet, I realized after the two encounters that that was not how I wanted to live. Thankful to say, that I have not had anymore escapades like that. But now, the intimacy is problematic. I have not touched my wife in almost two years. We have not been sexual for at least 2 years. We were separated for a year back in 2003, but got back together in 2004. But within the last three years, sex has been strained. It does not help that she does not talk to me and when she does, it is usually talking about what I am not, how I am nasty. It has not been easy for me. It is quite frustrating. I used to masturbate quite frequently, but that has even subsided. Doesn't make since to be married and having to masturbate. After a while, you begin to wonder why u got married. Never really confronted the issue of what happened to me as a child -- except through counseling back in 2004 -- and then I accepted the fact that what happened to me had nothing to do with me, but was simply the other person acting out with me for their personal benefit. A bit freeing, to say the least, that it was not about what me. But now, I have not confronted how these issues are impacting my marriage. Friends and family tell me how I am such a perfectionist. And now it's starting to aggravate me because it seems to be an attack on me as a person. I am definitely a loner type of guy.
Thanks for the this outlet. Will look at the book Creating a Normal Life. Will make plans to visit with a therapist to help me identify issues in my life that might help me to deal with how I have coped with this madness and how it impacts other areas of my life. Would long for an opportunity to talk with other persons about this -- not trying to hook up -- just trying to make sense of the madness. Trying to find ways to cope and move past the hurt, the shame, and pain. And recognize the behavior patterns and not allow the same thing to repeat itself again in my life.

OH, contemplating a divorce. Yeah, that's a biggy!!! It's been ten years, as she said, and she is wondering what the next ten years will bring. Well, I think it ought not bring the same thing. And what I am confronted with is whether I should be the one to end the relationship, not as a means to hurt her, but as a means to release her from being my caretaker since it obviously means that her needs are not being met, and I am tired of feeling depressed and hopeless. I know that I cannot carry the entire burden of the relationship on my shoulders. But I feel that I am being used. And it feels like abuse all over again. And that hurts! And trust me, the lone ranger approach is not working... TIRED. I'M TIRED. help.