My lost childhood

My cousin stole my innocence from the time I was 5 he was 12 until I was 12 and he was 19.He stole my childhood.The thought of what he did to me is dominating my life. He was living with us on and off because it was us or foster care. My mom was really sick when i was younger.so my aunt kinda stay back and forth between my house and hers other wise it would be just us kids. I cant' clearly remember the first time he touched me but I remember it started out as a game he would have me go into the closet with him and he would pull down my pants and touch me. I would stand here frozen why I don’t know. It didn’t hurt so I thought it was okay i guess. After he would finish touching he would give me candy or other treats.

As it progressed he had me touch him. I didn’t like it but I didn’t tell. As time passed it got worst. I was 6 he had just turned 13 the first time he fingered me. it was summer and everyone was at work or summer school. I remember telling him to stop because it started hurting and he slapped me so hard my face turned red. I started to cry so. He went and got a hot wet towel and put it between my legs. He said I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you. Then he gave me two dollars and took me to the candy lady. It was like he was buying my silence. I still think to this day how could I have been that easy. It just moved forward from there.He began sneaking into my room at night to touch me.

When I was 10 and he had just turned 17 no one was home but me and him. I was reading a book in my room. He waited about 10 minutes after everyone left and he came to my room. I remember he had a condom and lube in his hand(at the time I didn’t know what it was), He said I was ready I didn’t know what for but. I think deep down I knew that he was going to hurt me because I got up and tried to run out the room .It was all 97 pounds of me against 180 pounds of him. He caught me and threw me on my twin size bed he pulled off all of my clothes unzipped his pants put the condom on spread my legs and began to rape me. I was in so much pain and i was confused. I was hurting…definitely physically but most of all emotionally. I was crying but I don’t think I even mad a sound once he was inside me. I just remember staring at the clock motionless like a tree. For 20 minutes he was on top of me stealing what little bit of a childhood I had left. When he got off of me I was bleeding and silent.

As he went to the bathroom and ran a bathtub of water I just laid there thinking what just happened to me. He came back into my room and picked me up and put me in the bathtub of water he had just ran. I sat there just as if I were dead as he washed me to get rid of any evidence of what just took place. He said to me it wont hurt as much next time I promise. I think at that moment my childhood had officially ended. He got me out of the bathtub and dried me off and dressed me.

I started crying again but louder he said to me stop crying this is what big girls do. When everyone got home that night I was in my bedroom still crying and I remember hearing him lying to one of my aunts (she always had a strong dislike of me anything bad said about me she would believe) She came to my room and asked me why was I cutting up. I said I hate him and that he hurt me not how just that he hurt me. She told me stop lying and not to say anything about it again and i didnt.that was the first time i tried to commit suicide.

A few weeks later everyone had went to a retreat (I was to young to go)and my sister was spending the night over her friends house. Leaving me all alone with guess who my cousin after they left he waited about 15 minutes after they left to come in the den where I was playing a video game. He came and sat close to me I tried to get up and leave but he pulled me back down and started to touch me next thing I know his hand is in up my skirt. For the first time I stood my ground and screamed for him to stop he got mad and he pulled down my pants and began to raped me. As he did it he said remember this next time you think about telling. I remember my aunt (The one that has a strong dislike of me)came back because she left something over my house. She saw him raping me and she did nothing to stop him she stood in the door way for at least two minutes. After he was finish and had left. She slapped me, pulled down my skirt, and than told me that I was filthy little slutty whore and go to the bathroom and clean myself up. Instead of comforting me or trying to help me. She once again told me to say nothing. For the second time I was left crying and in pain. Looking back I wish I said something to someone.He still continued to sneak into my room.

After about another year he started living with another aunt Incidents like this continued to happen almost every time he saw me. The last time he did anything to me was when I was about to turn 13 he was back over my house for a cookout. He had the same look on his face the day he ended my childhood. Luckily my friend came in the room when she did and stayed until he left. Then her mom came in saw the blank look on my face and asked what’s wrong I said nothing. Why when something was totally wrong?

Later that night he came to my room in the night like he had done so many times before.(he begged and pleaded my mom to let him spend the night).He came in and sat on the edge of my bed and said "we have to stop this, you cant keep seducing me.this is the last time." i was in shock to what he just said he thought i wanted him to do the things he did to me.I kept thinking why did i not try harder to stop him. I tried to get up and leave but he once again threw me on my bed,put his hand over my mouth, pulled up my night gown, and began raping me You cant imagine what I felt when he left my room.he did not touch me again after that.That was 4 years ago. I still had to see him though untill he moved to Nasville.I stlll my high days and my oh so low days.The flashbacks are so vivid its like I’m there again. I've been trying to work through my past but its not easy. I cant even sleep without the thoughts of what he did to me flooding my mind. I wish I could just forget but I know that’s not going to happen.I have only told my friends mom what transpired between me and my cousin.I didnt really have to tell her she just kinda figured it out.I felt so relieved when i told her almost everything it was hard for hear to hear but i think she has a better understanding of me now.She has been trying to help me to the best of her abilities without telling my mom.(My mom is sick she has a heart condition and if she gets to upset she will have another heart attack or another stroke.).for right now its books.