where do I start?

The question ive asked myself for years is very plain and simple... basically where do I start? To me my story is not so bad (whatever that means) however it feels like a rope holding me back ... like I get so far only to have something yank me back into reality ( or what i feel is my reality).
Its always difficult to affirm but I was molested... I downplay it and say well you were not raped...but all in all its still wasn’t something I wanted. It happed for 10 years of my life by someone I trusted. Growing up in a single parent household raised by my mom... a dad was something I never knew. So when my cousin found "the one" and he acted as if he was someone I could trust then I did what a naive 7 year old would do...I trusted him. After a year of quality attention and advice...you know the kind where he acts as if he cares for you want to make sure that your grades are up and your getting to school on time..."oh do you have lunch money for the week, hey here is a 20" 20 bucks ! that a lot of money when your lunch money/allowance is only 5 bucks a week. So after a year of this I guess I trusted him. Then out of nowhere it just began...well let me show you something or have you ever felt this. Don’t worry it just my finger it wont h u r t … blah blah blah.
Ten years later im awaking with someone on top of me telling me you know the time has come your 18 now i need what’s mine ive only loved you. What you love me…do you know the hell you have made my life do you know that you have children by my cousin. Please get OFF OF ME! As he stands to undue his pants I make a break for the bathroom. The screaming the cussing I still hear it in my ear.
Why its been almost 10 years since that day as Im approaching my 28th birthday. I want to celebrate but that rope yanks me back to my reality and I ask again Where do I start? Ive tried to do some form of self healing have even studied the topic in college. Yep I have a Masters in Social work…to others that may seem like something but to me it seems like nothing (u know how can I help others if I don’t even know how to help myself) I have spoken with people (for 5 years) telling them they have to let go of the past and overcome their shadows when I don’t even know how to fully overcome my own shadows! I find myself feeling like I need a career change something else to satisfy this …man I don’t even know what it is but I just started classes in early childhood education, maybe I won’t feel like such a fraud if I focus on teaching 3 year old there ABC’s… I should be able to do that
Even with all the things that I have gon through the fear of MEN in general, u know always expecting the bottom to fall out of anything that seems to be headed in the right direction. I gave in once and let somebody get close to my heart. Four years later and a beautiful baby girl (nope no ring). I find myself terrified that somebody is going to steal her innocence and sentence her to the same life Ive had to live. SO what do I do, I don’t allow her to go anywhere without me. Don’t allow her to spend the night over anyone’s house. Yeah she in preschool but they understand that I have the right to drop in at any moment . And when she come home from school I inspect her body to make sure nothing is out of the ordinary. At 2 years old she knows that no one should touch her in her areas but her mommy and granny. Man is that to much?… That’s all I can think to do to protect her…
Yep there’s that rope again yanking my back to my reality…

First of all, thank you for having the courage to be so open and honest! You talk about being a naïve 7 year old. A lot of sexual abuse survivors refer to themselves this way. When in fact, the is no such thing. You are remembering the abuse from an adult propective because you are an adult now. Children don't have the emotional intellegence to distinguish right from wrong (even REALLY "mature" children), but ADULTS do, so the blame lies with the adult...As for your fears surrounding love, opening your heart and even the challenges you've had in your career, these are all symptoms of the effects of sexual abuse. I often tell people that sexual abuse will effect almost EVERY area of your life because sexual abuse survivors are recovering from fear and a victim mentality. This victim mentality causes us to create codependent relationships, fear-based decisions where we tend to be hypervigilant...I say all of this to say that so far, you have done the best that you can with the tools that you have had. Now it's time to develop new tools. I could go into alot of detail about the healing process, but I will share just a few tidbits for now: usually it's not good to make a major life change when you're going through the healing process like the job change you mentioned; because you've just initiated the healing process, if you change jobs the same unhappiness will follow you from job to job because the source of your problems has not been dealt with: the sexual abuse. (By the way, in teaching you'll come across many sexual abused children). I'm not saying give up your classes, but consider modifying your current schedule and/or clientele if possible, asking for additional help with your workload, etc during this time. Also, look into energy healing techniques as a next phase of your recovery. There are more than 40 energy healing techniques designed to help people who have experienced trauma heal. They are HIGHLY effective and tend to work quickly. You may have heard of ones like Reiki, EFT...Google: Amanae (that one is for sexual abuse survivors). Once you start this next phase of healing some of the feelings you describe in your post will start to naturally subside and will open you up to atracting a healthier: relationship, career and parenting.

amazeme wrote:The question ive asked myself for years is very plain and simple... basically where do I start? To me my story is not so bad (whatever that means) however it feels like a rope holding me back ... like I get so far only to have something yank me back into reality ( or what i feel is my reality).
Its always difficult to affirm but I was molested... I downplay it and say well you were not raped...but all in all its still wasn’t something I wanted. It happed for 10 years of my life by someone I trusted. Growing up in a single parent household raised by my mom... a dad was something I never knew. So when my cousin found "the one" and he acted as if he was someone I could trust then I did what a naive 7 year old would do...I trusted him. After a year of quality attention and advice...you know the kind where he acts as if he cares for you want to make sure that your grades are up and your getting to school on time..."oh do you have lunch money for the week, hey here is a 20" 20 bucks ! that a lot of money when your lunch money/allowance is only 5 bucks a week. So after a year of this I guess I trusted him. Then out of nowhere it just began...well let me show you something or have you ever felt this. Don’t worry it just my finger it wont h u r t … blah blah blah.
Ten years later im awaking with someone on top of me telling me you know the time has come your 18 now i need what’s mine ive only loved you. What you love me…do you know the hell you have made my life do you know that you have children by my cousin. Please get OFF OF ME! As he stands to undue his pants I make a break for the bathroom. The screaming the cussing I still hear it in my ear.
Why its been almost 10 years since that day as Im approaching my 28th birthday. I want to celebrate but that rope yanks me back to my reality and I ask again Where do I start? Ive tried to do some form of self healing have even studied the topic in college. Yep I have a Masters in Social work…to others that may seem like something but to me it seems like nothing (u know how can I help others if I don’t even know how to help myself) I have spoken with people (for 5 years) telling them they have to let go of the past and overcome their shadows when I don’t even know how to fully overcome my own shadows! I find myself feeling like I need a career change something else to satisfy this …man I don’t even know what it is but I just started classes in early childhood education, maybe I won’t feel like such a fraud if I focus on teaching 3 year old there ABC’s… I should be able to do that
Even with all the things that I have gon through the fear of MEN in general, u know always expecting the bottom to fall out of anything that seems to be headed in the right direction. I gave in once and let somebody get close to my heart. Four years later and a beautiful baby girl (nope no ring). I find myself terrified that somebody is going to steal her innocence and sentence her to the same life Ive had to live. SO what do I do, I don’t allow her to go anywhere without me. Don’t allow her to spend the night over anyone’s house. Yeah she in preschool but they understand that I have the right to drop in at any moment . And when she come home from school I inspect her body to make sure nothing is out of the ordinary. At 2 years old she knows that no one should touch her in her areas but her mommy and granny. Man is that to much?… That’s all I can think to do to protect her…
Yep there’s that rope again yanking my back to my reality…