The nightmare started

What happened to me was my fault. I was very young cutting class supposed to be going to the bathroom. Instead I wandered the halls. Making my way over to the gym, I saw a teenager with two smaller kids slightly bigger than me. Curious, I poked my head in the gym wondering what they were doing. The tall kid, Marty, said they were playing and for me to come on in. I did. They surrounded me and before I knew what was going on, my pants, underware were pulled down I was forced down. I cried but he took off his belt and said if I wasn't quite he would beat me. I complied and he did me. When he was done, he got off me fixing his pants. I got up and ran trying to pull my pants up, but they caught me and took me to the stairwell and headed up stairs with me and did me again. The area was small He kept telling me that it was good and if I liked it as the others watched. Then they took me downstairs where there was more room and did me again. I felt it, then went somewhere else in thought till he was done. He allowed me to pull up my underware and pants before letting me go after he said to tell no one. Funny thing, at parent teacher night, I remember seeing him walk pass the classroom as my mom talked to the teacher. I remember tugging once on her pointing to the door, but realizing if I told her what happened, then she would have known I cut class. So I said nothing. If I just stayed in class, none of this would have happened.

After seeing this, I realize this is bad, real bad, but I'm still standing. Now I need to move forward.

Hello Friend428,

Let me first say that you are in a safe place, and have already begun the process of moving forward by sharing your story. I hear you saying that the abuse was your fault because you cut class. I will say that I cut class all of the time in highschool, and if I ended up suffering as a result of all the poor decisions I made I have no idea where I would be. Sexual abuse is never your fault. Someone has to make the decision to abuse you. You can't make someone abuse you. We all make decisions sometimes that seem questionable, but no one ever has the right to misuse you for their own pleasure. No one...

I was angry and alone for years. Jr High and High school were the worst for me. As my classmates grew and developed, they often picked on me. I ate many times alone or hid out in the auditorium during lunch time. When classes were over, I was the first out the school so I wouldn't be picked on. The word GAY was first said to me in highschool. The women rubuffed and debased me on a regular basis. The guys bullied me from time to time to impress the girls. I had few friends. Count them on one hand. Many women friends came from my sister. I didn't have a name. I was just "That's her brother" Wow, no idenity. That lasted six years in school. I must say, a funny thing that makes me laugh, at times, is one of my friends was bisexual and came on to me. I wasn't having that and he knew where I stood. We're no longer friends. Later that same week a teacher told a group of them that I wasn't gay, just quiet. That is the difference. They backed off a little, but damage done. I remember very little from those years. Only being a ghost hiding from the masses. You know to this day, you won't catch me by large crowds.

Isn't it amazing how our mind tries to protect us from feeling any pain, even if the pain is only perceived. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes. Your memories hold a lot of pain so it makes sense that you would only remember select things. When you write you say some very profound things like, "only a ghost hiding from the masses". That is very descriptive, not only were you invisible, but also in hiding...I can feel what you mean...Do you use journaling? It can be very therapeutic.

After graduation I went to jr college. Met this woman that I thought would change my life. She did. She LOVED me, believed in me. Now it wasn't always perfect. We argued at times and differ in opinion like other couples. When I held her, I was home. The loneliness was gone, but I couldn't commit. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't do it. All that flashed in my mind was, what if she found out. It would be worst than highschool in terms of being rejected. The look of disappointment I knew she would had if she knew. Just in my mind, and only in my mind.

It was like a thick hard wall between me and freedom. I couldn't break through so I let her go. The worst mistake in my life. Not many can say they found the one. I did. I loved her and let her go because of my secret, my shame. I wonder where she is. Is she happy? Married kids. A life I could of had, but didn't. Love is a powerful force. The last time I saw her, I swear. She worked in a department store engaged to someone else. We stood there counter between us staring into each others eyes. Our breathing was in sync. sound diminished to silence. The area around us turned misty and we were somewhere else.

A place of pure peace that I cannot explain. And Love, like I've never known. It was just us and no one else and for a brief moment, I was transparent. Then as fast as it happened it disappeared. The sounds of customers walking about asking questions could be heard as if a volume knob was turned up. We didn't say a word, but there was a great sadness that could be felt. That was the last time I ever saw her. This isn't fluff. It's all true. I wish it wasn't. Fear is an awful thing. We either accept it or reject it by choice. I chose wrong.

Sounds like a great book in the making! One thing marriage has taught me is that a person can grow into being the "ONE". Because you are in a state of healing, I believe your best is yet to be. My husband has watched me go through a myriad of feelings and beings throughout our relationship. Once I learned to love myself (which took many, many years) I could love him so much more deeply. That is something that will happen for you as well. The next woman will get so much more from you because you are ready to give. Then you just have to allow yourself permission to receive...

I'm alone now with my fear keeping me company. I have friends but they live far away. Those who are close by have their own issues to deal with. The hardest thing that is the new normal for me is the lack of personal touch. What I mean is no personal contact of any kind outside of a handshake. If someone does try to hug or place an arm around me, I feel awkward, uncomfortable. This is not normal by any means, but its my new normal.

With so many people having gone through some sort of trauma it's hard to say what is normal anymore. Sounds like touch is a trigger for you. This is very common, and something I still experience from time to time. Even though your mind is strong enough to protect you from reliving your past it's also strong enough to create a new normal. You just have to be willing. If you could change one thing about your life tomorrow, what would it be?

Again good question. I don't know. I wish I knew. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be. I have some close friends who I know there intimate details. The good the bad and the ugly. As for me, not. I'm not transparent. Opaqe, advasive at most. I been this way for a good chunk of my life. I can count on one finger a person who knew my backstory. He commited suicide three years ago. I have other friends but they don't know. What would be cool if I could lay my guard down without fear of being hurt rejected or slighted. Yeah, that would be cool.

Sounds like that is the first thing you would like to do. You want to let your guard down. As Survivors, we give others power over us assuming everyone is going to hurt us, or judge us. In order to give and receive real love we have to let our guards down. At this point, no one can hurt you unless you allow it. I know everyone says that and it seems cliche, but it's true. I remember you saying that you only deal with what is, and not what could be. Well, it's time to rewrite your tomorrow. If you are ready...

Sometimes I feel to start over a new scenery is needed. I am stuck right now in the same area many of my insecurities started. I feel a new outlook requires a new view. Or am I running away again?

New scenery is not a bad thing. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I don't feel like changing your atmosphere is running away, but you have to understand that. You don't want run from your problems though, because wherever you run, you'll be there...Because your thoughts lie solely with you, do you feel like a change in scenery will remove some of them?

When I lived on my own, I got a lot of things done. Since I moved back with the parents, its a struggle. They are an issue also. Let's just say I'm dealing with blessing blockers. The women in this family really hold the men back. Another reason I want out. Don't get me wrong, I love my people, but I would rather do it from a distance.

Many times those closest to us are the ones that do the most damage. If you are around people that are feeding you poison instead of love, I would definitely seek out a different group of people. You deserve so much more...So when you leaving?

As soon as I figure out where I want to live. My parents can't handle the maintenance on the house. It sucks being me.