I thought God had forgotten me...but he was there...I survived and got away

my aunt was my babysitter.Her adult son and daughters abused me,then afterwards,they broke me down verberally abusing me to keep me quiet.I was told I was so ugly,all the other girls in the neighborhood were pretty and smart.I would have to massage their breast while they masterbated.Then the brother would fondle and kiss me while making me fondle him.I knew it was wrong.I hated it.I was 5 yrs old.They threaten to hurt my little sister.My aunt knew...she said mean things too.I would do it so they would be nice to me and my sister.Whatever the reason was,my grandmother told my mother she would start keeping us.As I grew up I found myself with no self esteem and promiscuous until I had my first child.Then I had no interest in intimacy at all.I would want to date,and been married twice.I changed and disconnect from my husband,but cling to my children.I evenshut myself off by being mean,bossy and controlling.I push the good guys away and chase the abusive man.and dont know why.Dated husband for 8 years off and on at my choice,when he was getting too close.Got married,and now he seems to get on my nerves real easy.I sleep with daughter so I dont have to sleep with him.Now that we are married,nothing has changed,I still shut down for days.but now it's starting to effect my family.I feel that I don't really care,because I won't need to try to get "right" for anyone.Now...I want to get right for MYSELF
This has made what happen to me real.This the first time I have spoken of this since a very young woman.Family say maybe I imaginated some it and it wasn't that serious.I think thats how they need to cope with it because they were not there for me.Our relationship has always been distant.
i have taken time in building a very safe wall around myself to keep others out except my children.the wall needs to come down,yet i am afraid to and dont know where to start...
i

Hello!

I am new to this post, i too experienced what you have, except it was my brother and i have never told my family. I was 7/8 and i'm now 31. My children's father is the only one that knows and thats only because he guessed because he didnt understand why i never talked about or to my brother. it has effected me sooo much and i still struggle with wondering if i should tell my family .

I know people say you gain power once you speak up...for me...my family doesn't want to talk about it.I think they don't want to accept that they(parents) were not there.My father bought it up at a family dinner,and I said nothing because my mother looked at me as if she were daring me to admit it in front of my brother and sister.I have always been able to count on ME...MYSELF and I...I am very distant with my family and they act like it's my fault.I have gained strentgh through my children and protecting them against anyone and anything!I found Jesus and realized I did nothing wrong.I replaced my church family for my blood family.They can't stand it...but you know what???/ so what!I still struggle in my relationships,I can't love my husband like a wife should...Be strong...Find your strentgh where ever it may come from...make your choice based on YOU!!! I will be praying for you.Be Blessed my sister..