Married and Torn

Hi I am Sirdevere,
I am new to this site and i was abused from 6-13 years old. I am a male exscuse my typing style but i am not that computer savvy as most of you all are. Anyway i have been in the chuch since i was 10yrs old. But before i get to that a little history. I grew up in a house where drinking was the norm my mom and step dad worked Mon-Fri but on friday it was on for the drinks and my mom would be jammed to the point she slept very hard. Well my real dad left when i was a baby i am black/latino. My step dad is all i have ever known as a real dad or something like that. Well my mom and him like to argue some nights and or she would then leave and go out wit her girls to get away and leave me with James. Well as a child you never really think some who you think loves you would screw with your head. Well it started with him playing sleep and then adjusting himself and then for some reason i was facinated by his penis and how it would grow large and then i would play with it while he was sleep. He would move from time to time then adjust again i would start playing with it again and as a child you think this is cool when you know he should wake up beat my butt and say this is not the way you should be carrying on. Well he did not it was play time then i be be amazed on how large it was i would then put it in my mouth all this time he would stay sleep but fully erect. Well this escalated to my mom giving baths with this man her being at work and he would come home so drunk or play like it with himself exsposed i was growing up with this man 10-12 i started masterbating on top of him and i guess that started to get me to then starting to look at other men. Well i have seen the movie Precious and my life was a little more suddle then that. But none the less it was traumatic and to this day i have seen councilors and church folk and church folk cant seem to handle these things especcially if your a man. seems like other men get nervous because they think your gay and if you are trying to get out of the life style a stop sighn comes up. OOH he might want to s--k my D--k or something to that magnitude but i am sure you get my drift. Well i got married later in life after going through a life of hell wit homosexual partners and that whole thing found me a woman who Loved me for me but she also has baggage and my question is took a long time i guess you say Ha ha. How do you and where is the places you can really sit down and get a therapist who will listen and give sound advice. i have been approached by mentors, friends, church folk all either want their D--ck sucked or something from me i am nervous around men and keep woman around me my wife is not jelous and i tell her ist not them you should worry about. well this is as far as i am at like i said i am not computer savvy and i am sure you guys can see that but i had to just drop some thoughts and needing help and some sound advice.

Hi Sirdevere,
Sorry for the late response. I was very sick the last couple of weeks and was bedridden so I was unable to get to the computer. However, I do hope you get some more replies to your post from others as well. First, let me start by saying that what happened to you was sexual abuse and it was not your fault. There are many forms of sexual abuse and one is when an adult forces or allows a child to perform sexual acts on them. As adult sexual abuse survivors, we sometimes look back at the sexual abuse we endured as a child and think, "why didn't I stop it?" "why did I touch it?" To ask ourselves these questions is unfair, because we forget that as adults we are now trying to analyze what happened to us from the adult knowledge we have today. But don't forget, we were children back then. And as a child, you did not yet have the full mental capacity to fully comprehend what was going on. Not to get too deep, but most of us don't realize that the part of the brain that has the ability to reason, comprehend and make decisions does not fully develop until we reach the age of 21, but that's a whole other story for another day...Anyway, I wasn't sure by your post below if you were now questioning your sexuality now that you are married to a woman? I also wasn't sure if you were asking if there was a direct correlation between the sexual abuse you endured as a child and your sexuality today? Please clarify when you get a chance. This will help me in giving you an answer...Also, to answer your question, where do you go for help? YOu are in the right place. That's exactly why I created this site. Please check out the "Resources for Healling" link on the main page: www.blacksurvivors.org. There is a link to black psychologists across the country and their specialties. I personally have used most of the resources on this site, and would also recommend the Incest Survivors Anonymous support group. You'll find a link to it also under the "Resources for Healing," so you can find a meeting in your area. In my own recovery I still use this online group, and I go to Incest Survivors Anonymous and therapy, which have all worked very well for me. You'd be surprised how many men I've personally met over the years in my support groups with this exact same situation as you. There's also a link to a men's group I posted I believe under "Resources for Healing" or "Healing Tips" on this home page of this site too. Please continue to use this online support group, but also give these other resources a try.

---
Sylvia
Site Administrator

SIRDEVERE wrote:Hi I am Sirdevere,
I am new to this site and i was abused from 6-13 years old. I am a male exscuse my typing style but i am not that computer savvy as most of you all are. Anyway i have been in the chuch since i was 10yrs old. But before i get to that a little history. I grew up in a house where drinking was the norm my mom and step dad worked Mon-Fri but on friday it was on for the drinks and my mom would be jammed to the point she slept very hard. Well my real dad left when i was a baby i am black/latino. My step dad is all i have ever known as a real dad or something like that. Well my mom and him like to argue some nights and or she would then leave and go out wit her girls to get away and leave me with James. Well as a child you never really think some who you think loves you would screw with your head. Well it started with him playing sleep and then adjusting himself and then for some reason i was facinated by his penis and how it would grow large and then i would play with it while he was sleep. He would move from time to time then adjust again i would start playing with it again and as a child you think this is cool when you know he should wake up beat my butt and say this is not the way you should be carrying on. Well he did not it was play time then i be be amazed on how large it was i would then put it in my mouth all this time he would stay sleep but fully erect. Well this escalated to my mom giving baths with this man her being at work and he would come home so drunk or play like it with himself exsposed i was growing up with this man 10-12 i started masterbating on top of him and i guess that started to get me to then starting to look at other men. Well i have seen the movie Precious and my life was a little more suddle then that. But none the less it was traumatic and to this day i have seen councilors and church folk and church folk cant seem to handle these things especcially if your a man. seems like other men get nervous because they think your gay and if you are trying to get out of the life style a stop sighn comes up. OOH he might want to s--k my D--k or something to that magnitude but i am sure you get my drift. Well i got married later in life after going through a life of hell wit homosexual partners and that whole thing found me a woman who Loved me for me but she also has baggage and my question is took a long time i guess you say Ha ha. How do you and where is the places you can really sit down and get a therapist who will listen and give sound advice. i have been approached by mentors, friends, church folk all either want their D--ck sucked or something from me i am nervous around men and keep woman around me my wife is not jelous and i tell her ist not them you should worry about. well this is as far as i am at like i said i am not computer savvy and i am sure you guys can see that but i had to just drop some thoughts and needing help and some sound advice.

Hi Sirdevere,

I too have not been here for along time. I hope you did not feel lost after sharing your feelings.

Way back in Milwaukee in the late 70's, I spoke at De Paul Hospital for Alcoholics along with another young man. In his talk, he too did not know what he was, homosexual or not because of his abuse.

I listened to a lot of stories from men and women and it seems boys/men suffer longer in silence because of the "homosexual" connotation attached to their abuse. But Sirdevere, abuse is abuse is abuse and he was the adult responsible for putting a stop to it.

Remember, the body responds to pleasure, we as the abused have to always be cautious, as we too are responsible for not abusing anyone else or allowing it to happen.

Like the administrator suggested there are people available that will not take advantage of you, but you are grown now, right, you can tell on anyone that takes advantage of your history for their own pleasure.

Do not give up and suggest that your wife get some understanding of your problems too. I think that you wrote, she had her own baggage? Your marriage will be stronger if there are no secrets or lies between you.

I live in Mazatlan, Mexico right now and somethings that I have seen and heard make me wonder. It all has to do with education, speaking out about the abuse, but I wonder in 2010, how many people still keep their heads buried in the sand.

It is so painful to tell it and so painful to hear about it, so we have to work on accepting it ourselves so we can be "well" people functioning at our best even though all this has happened. Do not give up, Sirdevere

Santacruz1997