My Confession

I talk about this when I do speaking engagements on sexual abuse, but I've never shared this in the online support group. Some of you already know that I several different coping mechanisms that I used to deal with the sexual abuse I endured as a child. Two of them were becoming a perfectionist & overeating. However, many don't know how bad these two things were for me. At my worst, I remember eating a whole chocolate cake in one day by myself. And my perfectionism was so bad that it often took me anywhere from 1 hour to an hour and a half to record a simple 20 second voicemail greeting on my phone because it was not "perfect" enough. Sad, but all true. It took a long time to rid myself of these habits. I've finally realized I'm not perfect and it's unrealistic to think I'm ever going to be. I can now forgive myself when I make a mistake or backslide.

You know it is funny because I have been overweight all my life and have managed to lose some of those pounds. However before "thick was in", I was heavily teased growing up. I now know that I ate those sweets to soothe the pain of my messed up past which included many things like sexual abuse. I am still a perfectionist. Finished in the top three of my highschool class and top two in my college class. I always strived to be perfect in school, at work I get promotions for working so hard. Family and friends know this about me as well. I always thought it was a good thing until educating myself. Now I know that it is a flaw. I do not know what to do about it. I mean it actually benefits me so....

Wow! I am both a perfectionist and at one point an overeater. I never knew that it could be linked. At one time during an exam I couldn't get my paper written the way I thought it should sound so I almost flunked out. I have it kind of under control. I still find myself slipping back but when I do I make myself do whatever it is one time and live with it. As far as for overeating; I remember days crying and eating cake, crying and eating all of whatever leftovers were in the fridge. But there were periods of overeating and undereating, like they would take turns.

For me, overeating and extreme control/resistance are big when I don't keep them check. I want to make sure that I'm 'safe', not realizing that I'm blocking out spontaneous experiences or a chance to experience feelings. One of the ways I learned to keep the eating and over-controlling behavior in check was to start yoga - this gave me a chance to monitor my focus and increase awareness about my body. I realized that all the judgement was coming for me...no one else. Some days are better than others....