faithfulness

I have commitment issues and find it hard to stick to it- in all aspects of my life, my relationship, work, etc. It is hard for me to trust others and often find myself looking for a way out before the other persons realizes they dont want to be with me. I have done this over and over and always tend to run when sometimes there is nothing to run from. I think its self sabotage and I am getting tired of it. I now have a really good man but find myself trying to find something wrong with him. Now all too often I find myself thinking of moving on. I really dont want to leave him so I have been thinking about having an affair. I dont know if I want to do this subconsciouly because I want him to have a reason to leave me or if I am just trying to act out my wild sex fantacies. I think I would be able to be wilder with someone else. I have been wanting to have a 3some but would not feel comfortabe asking him to do it. I was thinking about asking one of my male friends to do it, Im sure any guy would say yes if one of his friends asked him to have a 3some with her and another girl. IDK what to do.. HELP !!!!

Hi Philly girl!
I can definitely relate to the self-sabotage. Unfortunately, it's something most of us sexual abuse survivors tend to do, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. I admire you for being so honest with yourself! I can tell you that personally I have sabotaged many good relationships, sometimes before they even had a chance to happen...thinking I'm not good enough or he's not good enough. How crazy is that?! I even tried to play the "emotionally safe" route by being intimate with someone with no commitment. Sadly, I would feel even more empty at the end of the experience and less fullfilled. One person in particular, I selfishly held onto him even though I didn't want a relationship because I was afraid to be alone. He was my safe "back up" if that makes any sense...As I got into recovery and started learning about the effects this sexual abuse had on me, I realized that my issue wasn't about being sexually fulfilled, but rather still dealing with the unresolved emotional emptiness that the sexual abuse had left on me. Sadly, no amount or type of sex will ever fill that void is what I learned. If it did work, we would be healed up by now. It's only a temporary "solution" to the problem. Philly girl, are you still interested in keeping the relationship you have now?

philly girl wrote:I have commitment issues and find it hard to stick to it- in all aspects of my life, my relationship, work, etc. It is hard for me to trust others and often find myself looking for a way out before the other persons realizes they dont want to be with me. I have done this over and over and always tend to run when sometimes there is nothing to run from. I think its self sabotage and I am getting tired of it. I now have a really good man but find myself trying to find something wrong with him. Now all too often I find myself thinking of moving on. I really dont want to leave him so I have been thinking about having an affair. I dont know if I want to do this subconsciouly because I want him to have a reason to leave me or if I am just trying to act out my wild sex fantacies. I think I would be able to be wilder with someone else. I have been wanting to have a 3some but would not feel comfortabe asking him to do it. I was thinking about asking one of my male friends to do it, Im sure any guy would say yes if one of his friends asked him to have a 3some with her and another girl. IDK what to do.. HELP !!!!

I totally understand the "back up man" i have one. I call him the one in my back pocket (lol) in my mind its always good to have something to fall back on. But I am coming to realize that as long as you have the fall guy, its hard to put all of your effort into your current person. I find myself falling back when ever I have an arguement with my current person and when he just does not measure up to my fall guy in any way. It is not fair and I know it.....
I am certainly interested in keeping my current relationship but often feel sooo guilty for putting him through the emotional rollercoaster I often find myself riding. Sometimes I look at him and feel so bad for him because I know he tries to make me happy. other times I look at him as if he worthless. I am up and I am down. I just want to be more steady!! Im starting to get dizzy !!!!

Yes, if only it was easy I once heard someone say, "If you have doubts, then that means No." That's easier said than done. No one wants to be alone, but I get the sense that deep inside you don't want to hurt your current boyfriend either. It sucks that as a sexual abuse survivor we have such difficulties with relationships: whether or not to get in a relationship and whether or not to be faithful. Unfortunately, this sexual abuse can damage our ability to set healthy boundaries, stick to a commitment and make healthy decisions. Try not to beat yourself up too much, but, continue to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you have what it takes to give your boyfriend the type of commitment he needs from you right now? If not, can you step away from the relationship for a while so that you can focus more on getting yourself together? Or are you concerened that you might end up alone?

I know all too well what it is like to self-sabatoge a relationship. I think I may be doing it now, just not sure. I know sexual abuse and my messed up past has made it hard for me to know what healthy and unhealthy is. For example, I believe my girl is cheating on me because I am not good enough, do not want to have sex enough, and I emotionally shut down on her when things get hard "running". But I have stayed with a person that I thought was a cheater because I am not sure if its my mind and trust issues messing with me or if she really is a cheater yet I deserve what I am getting. And because I can not distinguish what is and what is not, I find myself staying in unfulfilling relationships, even if they have the potential to fulfill me. I have only been in a few relationships but most have been good. I have never been happy or fulfilled in any of them, not even my marriage. When I was married to my hubby, I wanted a female (my best friend). I am starting to believe that love is not for people like me because I can not stay in a relationship to save me life. My girl says I do not want to be happy. I say I do but do not want to be hurt, dogged or played in the process...SO all in all, I get self-sabotaging! Sex does not fulfill that empty void, its just a little filler and is not temporary. However, hopefully you will have a partner who will let you fulfill your desires understanding that in the end, it will not do what you expected. Until you fulfill some of those fantasies, they will linger and bother you. But understand that there are emotional,mental and potentially physical repurcussions of what you are asking for....Good luck I get it!