New to group and caustious

Hello All-

**this may be triggering**

So I'm taking the time and getting the courage to post here because of several things. My story was I was molested, raped, physically, emotionally and spiritually abused by my mother and grandmother. ***Yes my mother and my grandmother.*** I am a black woman who was abused by other black women. I believe that my both my mother and my grandmother have/had borderline personality disorder. Reading books on the topic it's as if someone shoot a video of my childhood and write down. The other black women in my immediate family my mothers sisters did nothing. At age 10 I got up the courage to tell my mother's younger sister that I thought my mother wanted me sexually. She asked me why. I told her that my mother would look in my panties every night and beat me based on the amount of discharge.

She even used doctors against me. When I was 13 we moved to a new house and she was pissed because I had my own bathroom so I could use it with privacy. She got angry and because she always had to watch when I used the bathroom to make sure that I wasn't doing anything to myself as she put it. I tried to ignore her and would use the bathroom at school or try to use it when she was sleeping. She took me to my old pediatrician demanding a pelvic exam. He, a white man, had been my doctor since I was born. He asked me privately if I was fine "down there" (my words not his) and I said yes. He was very respectful and tactful. She didn't like that because she wanted control. So she took me to this new black doctor who was Jamaica. I was told to strip and I refused. They stripped down and held me down the table. It was her and two nurses. I remember struggling and then I disassciated. I floated over my body seeing that evil doctor probbing me with her fingers, pulling harshly on my labia, shoving a speculum in with no lubricant. That thing called my mother stood over her shoulder laughing. Laughing and saying, "I just wanted to see what you were doing." She'd told them I was sleeping around. I was 13 and had never even held hands with a boy. These "examinations" went on until left to go to college. This black doctor and her nurses raped me. And no I'm not exaggerating. They were of the frame of mind that I was bad black child and therefore needed to be put in my place.

I am cautious about about posting here because in the African American culture there is unwritten rule that black mothers are sacred and beyond reproach no matter what they do. The abuse I experienced was graphic and sadistic. I would be used sexually. After they'd finish with me and I'd be crying, they'd slap me in the face repeatedly demanding that I smile.

I don't want any "encouragement" to forgive my mother. Before I had to get a restraining against her she ruined innumerable friendships, would talk to my employers about me in an effort to damage these relationships and has taken steps to ruin my credit. This mental problems she has keeps her from looking me at as a separate individual. In her world I am hers and must subjugate herself to her will. I got the restraining order because she was trying to break into my apartment and had some man posing as my father who call threaten to kill me I didn't see her.

So I am writing today because my white therapist who I started seeing because I was raped about six months ago gave me the number to an African American therapist. (Being raped stripped away the last bit of denial about the sexual abuse my mother committed on me. The man who raped was white but ironically during the "relationship" would "put" me in ritualistic, sexual positions that were similiar to the postions my mother would put me in when she would use me.)

This is something I requested of her. I explained to her a few months ago that I wanted to see to start seeing an African American female middle aged therapist because I know a lot of the internalized hatred I have about my blackness and femaleness is related to the way my mother and grandmother used and abused me. In my life, when I have told my story particularly the fact that the abuser was not a man, not a black man but a black woman it is only white people who have been supportive. When I tell white people I'm estranged from my mother there is understanding no gory details needed. If I tell a black person, I get "But it's your mom." This is very painful to be so disregarded by my people.

Survivors like myself of mother/daughter incest already have a stigma. It's incest, it's your mother. People automatically think because a woman doesn't have a penis she can't rape. It's such a lie. It's a lie. Women know how to hurt children. Women are just a s capable of depravity a men. There are certain things that parents can do that strips them of their parent card. And my mother and grandmother lost their's a long time ago.


So I'm going to call this African American female therapist tomorrow because I need to look at someone who looks like and have them believe me. And it scares the hell out of me. I'm going to call her because I need to look be able to look at older black women and not jump in my skin. I need to be able to look at myself now that I am getting older. I turned 40 this year.

Anyway thanks for letting me share.

Toni

Welcome Toni and congratulations for your openness and willingness to get help.

No, I will not talk about forgiveness, but be kind to yourself.

I think that some people just cannot grasp the "abuse by men or women" and do what they have to do to cope. It does not help the person seeking understanding and acceptance.

So do not give up and remember that knowledge is Power, just do not give it away.

ladynoble1

you are a stong black and beautiful woman.To have the strength to take another step for yourself to gain the right to say,hey...what happen to me was wrong and i didn't desearve it.Moving past is not forgiving.I wish you well in moving past,regaining your power and being able to heal.God Bless you sista...be strong and stay encoraged.Black people as a whole need to stop covering things and "keeping family buisness in the family".Be blessed in your recovery