My Tears of Fury

Yesterday was the first day I realized how sexual abuse from my brother and cousin impacted my childhood and self image as an adult. I didnt know how many memories in my life I suppressed until I was watching BET'S Black Girls Rock. I saw these empowering young ladies and women who have made a difference in their communties and the world. Then I asked myself, why couldnt I have been one of those Black Girls who Rock? Next I feel tears rolling down my face and at first I wasnt sure why, but then I knew. I never felt empowered and confident enough, during my childhood or as an adult, because of the sexual abuse I encountered as a child through my teenage years. I felt so embarrased, depressed, dirty, as if it just happened yesterday. I was wondering how was I living my life for almost 26 years without me acknowledging my feelings, my self worth, and these memories of what happened. I told one person years ago, my Mother, but it never stopped. Im going to tell her today, even though as im typing this now tears of anger are rolling down my face. I want my life back! The same way my innocence was taken, I will regain it. I have the Faith, just wish me luck or say a prayer.

God bless.

Some days are better for others...Both my parents know of my abuse and I was sexually molested by my father and brother. Spirituality led me to reduce how I constantly 'judge' myself....like I have to prove my worth...and forgive - to help myself with healing - not to expect an apology. I never got one and I stopped waiting for it.

When I told my mother repeatedly - it didn't stop my terrors/nightmares and she didn't do anything except blame me for living in the past and "being one of many"....I realized that I couldn't make her save me....she didn't want to, she couldn't ...and I stopped trying to figure out why....I had to heal with support from self-care, therapy, spirituality....and now black survivors.....So, I know I'm not alone. Niether are you......

You have all the power!! I learned that the only way I felt powerless was if someone took away my power. However, I stopped suppressing how I felt....I am entitled to feel what I feel..When I get angry, depressed or upset. I don't bottled it up. I sit and experience all the energy associated with the emotions. Then, I ask myself: What's this feeling? Where is it coming from? Is there any benefit to feeling this way? For all of the beautiful things I want to do in life, will these feeling be useful (and if so, how)?

I'll even have a list of the beautiful things (simple and grand) that I want to do in my life...Reclaiming it from my abusers.....


..I love the saying 'God doesn't make junk!'

My dear, whenever you make a decision to change, you now know better. "When you know better, you will do better." In the end, we all answer to the Creator for ourselves only.

I know how you felt because I too watched and admired all that the girls and women had accomplished, but we do not know their complete story. I used to be in tears when I read about the accomplishments of others.

What I did along time ago, I am 70 yrs. now, I was 43 yrs. then, a friend had given me a blank book to put my thoughts down and I did like she told me to. How did she know that I was a poet, that my first set of poems were in my 1st book of poetry that I self-published. Everything nice that anyone said about me, I would put it in this book and when I could see no good that I had done with my life, I reread what others said. The book is old and thick from things people said. My grandchildren can read them one day. There are no coincidences in life.

If you would write down all the accomplishments of your young life, you too will see the list grow and grow, but keep doing it until you will be able to say the good things about you yourself.

The pastor read one of my poems on abuse, called my daughter to ask her if he needed to help me with forgiveness, my daughter exclaimed, "my mother is helping me with forgiveness."

With the grace of God, I can get inside their moccasins and feel their pain, I do not feel angry any more.

I always knew I had to work on myself and from past experiences with love and abuse, they just react to the way they feel and/or blame you again. Do the positive things that you need to do for yourself.

ladynoble1