Getting to the point

Getting to the point where one can express their need for help can be a very challenging, ESPECIALLY when it involves the sexual abuse of a “straight” African American man in this country….. or any other for that matter. It took me an extremely long time to get to the point where I no longer cared what other people thought of or about me in reference to something that I had absolutely no control over, I basically got tired of being tired. I knew that something was terribly wrong with me all across the board… the things that I would or wouldn’t do in relationships, the vivid flashbacks, the lack of emotional availability, and so on and so on. So shortly after my 30th birthday, my gift to myself was a commitment to seek out and use any and all the help that I could find to bring some sort of understanding to the wide range of things that made my life difficult as it related to years of off and on sexual abuse at the hands of people charged with my care as a child. At the point in my life where I decided that I needed and wanted help finding it was like looking for a needle in a hay stack and still is, when you are looking for help that can also help you navigate the harsh realities of the social intricacies that exist in the African American community. When I exhausted all of my worldly options I prayed everyday sometimes twice a day asking for help and it eventually came in the strangest way….

I usually listen to the “Quite Storm” show on V-103 in Atlanta, hosted by Joyce Littel. The topic of the show for that evening was sexual abuse, so I sat in there and listened to the show in it's entirety in amazement and shock. Without fail the majority of listeners calling in were almost all women, the few men that did call did so only to discuss their wives or girlfriends rape or sexual abuse. During this particular show they discussed an article that was featured in ESSENCE MAGAZINE that discussed rape & sexual abuse as well as places that you could go to seek help. Not even a week later I find myself at Grady Memorial Hospital, my best option considering that I’ve never sought out help before. I had a long conversation with myself before I made the call to set up an appointment. Not only was I not a woman who was raped, I am a man who has not been raped so from that perspective there was nothing that they could really do for me. I eventually made the call and an appointment. M y initial visit was nothing close to what I expected it to be.

First off....... the rape crisis center is on the 13th floor, as soon as you get of the elevator the entrance is right in front of you, but you just can’t walk through the door...... you must be buzzed in. So if they buzz you in that means that you must also be buzzed out. Just the thought of that is very discouraging because you realize that at any point in the session if you say anything that sounds like you might hurt yourself or someone else, weather your just expressing your feelings or not they can and will keep you and report whatever it is that you told them to the police. Although disappointed I wasn’t discouraged, then the question popped into my head……. How does a man…….. a straight man……. who has never told ANYONE about what he’s been through explain the hurt, pain, shame, and anger to a woman whom he’s never met before? The availability of help was great but the part that kicks a lot of men in the a** is ....... once again, it’s a woman........ providing all the support....... ( just like at home and in school) there are no men available......... no father/ father figure at home, and no positive male role models in the classroom or the community to make up for the lack of male support in the home. So with that I hope to start something new…...... If I can find peace, be comfortable with myself,love myself and have the strength to stand up and speak to and for those who cannot do it for themselves after enduring at least 7 - 8 yrs of molestation by the family members of babysitters, then ANYTHING is possible!
Thanks for your support!

Welcome Sol Survivor!
I am so glad that you found this group online! And you are so right, it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to have brothas involved in this process, because sexual abuse has happened to many men in our community. I am so sorry to hear that you had that experience at that hospital, but I am glad that you have committed yourself to your own recovery and with helping other sexual abuse survivors. If there is one thing I have learned through this recovery process is that we have to keep working on ourselves and help other sexual abuse survivors who need our help. You are going to help alot of folks heal Sol Survivor, especially brothas and the children you work with. It sounds like you are on the right track. Be patient with yourself. I read your post about your regret about not calling the Baisden show. Fortunately, this is a topic he often revisits. Especially around April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. When the time is right for you to call in, you will be ready....As for your online radio show: Congratulations!!!! I think that is PHENOMENAL!!! I would definitely be open to being a guest on your show. You can e-mail me directly at: colemansylvia@hotmail.com.

You are so brave. I respect you. You are a real man!

One thing that I have noticed, that abuse is abuse, whether you are a girl/boy, man/woman, the scenes may change, but the abuse is the same.

The same in Alcoholism and Physical Abuse-by husband or wife, mention no color, gender, or nationality, it is all the same: abuse by some lost soul on another.

Sol Survivor, prayer does work and when you least expect an answer, it comes. You listened to your inner self that told you, you had to do something to change your life, you did, congratulations! Even though the work is hard and long, you have made a decision to change.

Way back in the 70's, I spoke at De Paul's Rehabilitation Hospital with another young man to a group of alcoholics (no mention of sexual abuse). I spoke as a child/wife of an alcoholic and also, as an adult abuse survivor.

He had been abused by a boy/or man, I cannot remember. But I remember him saying that he did not know if he was straight or gay (that was the terminology then) because of it. He was the only boy/man I have heard speak out. But I have counseled many men that told me they were abused sexually. The ones that I talked to had never experienced love in a relationship, so sad.

This confusion is not just a boy/man thing, it affects everyone in a different way. I have seen a gay girl beat up her gay friend, so gender does keep one from abusing or being abused. It does add to our confusion and especially more so for boys/men, right?

I have also noticed that when one is hurt, they try the other gender or different color, but we carry the seed, so we attract seedless souls sometimes, we have to tend to our own garden first, so the plant will be more fruitful. We all just want to be healed and stop the pain.

Sol Survivor, don't give up telling your story, boys/men have probably read your story, but cannot speak out yet. You keep doing your thing.

santacruz1997

santacruz1997 wrote:One thing that I have noticed, that abuse is abuse, whether you are a girl/boy, man/woman, the scenes may change, but the abuse is the same.

The same in Alcoholism and Physical Abuse-by husband or wife, mention no color, gender, or nationality, it is all the same: abuse by some lost soul on another.

Sol Survivor, prayer does work and when you least expect an answer, it comes. You listened to your inner self that told you, you had to do something to change your life, you did, congratulations! Even though the work is hard and long, you have made a decision to change.

Way back in the 70's, I spoke at De Paul's Rehabilitation Hospital with another young man to a group of alcoholics (no mention of sexual abuse). I spoke as a child/wife of an alcoholic and also, as an adult abuse survivor.

He had been abused by a boy/or man, I cannot remember. But I remember him saying that he did not know if he was straight or gay (that was the terminology then) because of it. He was the only boy/man I have heard speak out. But I have counseled many men that told me they were abused sexually. The ones that I talked to had never experienced love in a relationship, so sad.

This confusion is not just a boy/man thing, it affects everyone in a different way. I have seen a gay girl beat up her gay friend, so gender does keep one from abusing or being abused. It does add to our confusion and especially more so for boys/men, right?

I have also noticed that when one is hurt, they try the other gender or different color, but we carry the seed, so we attract seedless souls sometimes, we have to tend to our own garden first, so the plant will be more fruitful. We all just want to be healed and stop the pain.

Sol Survivor, don't give up telling your story, boys/men have probably read your story, but cannot speak out yet. You keep doing your thing.

santacruz1997

thank you ..........................so much! sometimes I bs myself with getting work done because its so painful and to a certain extent Im at that point where I want to over come that last little bit of shame & questioning of what other people .... particularly women...... but I know its the devil trying to convince me to keep quiet! IM GONNA MAKE IT FOR ME AND ALL OF THE BROTHERS THAT ARE LOOKING FOR BUT CANNOT FIND A MAN THAT LOOKS LIKE THEM TOO TELL THEM THAT ITS OK & THEY ARE NOT ALONE! thanks for your support..... please visit my site .... I expaneded the subject matter to include a greater audience..... www.thesolsurvivor.nig.com