No Superheros Are Home, Please Try Again

I was sexually molested on a regular basis by my brother for 2 years. In addition, I was constantly looked and giving sexual suggestions by my father. This was all before the age of nine. One day, I even wrote a letter to my father about how he was always staring at me bending over while doing dishes or wanting to take the gum out of my mouth by using his tongue. My brother found it, giving to my mother and also, I assume to deflect any attention away from him if I ever told about his after-school humping activities and asking for sex. She sat on the side of the bed , shaking her head and saying "I should have left him." Interesting, she did nothing. Nothing at all. It's amazing how a child lives in a house where people know you're being unprotected and still choose not to help you.

In my first serious relationship, I would cry after sex sometimes and be unable to voice my nightmares that still haunted me for years. Imagine, a 23 YO graduate student still trapped in the scared mind of a 9 YO. Once I told my mother about the abuse, she froze. Then she called a few days later saying she felt like a bad mother. Finally, when I expressed fears about the birth of my brother's new daughter, she shouted at me for "making a big deal out of nothing" and that it was "just his hormones". Hmmmm....is amazing how I used to fantazie my parents coming to the recuse and making everything better and I was met with the reasoning of "hormones". I was also given by mother a list of major celebrities also abused; making me think "Are any of these people your daughter?" In addition, my father would make light my abuse by him and my brother and show something from Tyler Perry on forgiveness via a Madea play. Interestingly, he didn't want to hear about anything or how I felt. Just forgive. Little hard when you hear a man who's your father say "Guys just wanna hit it".

However, I'm working on forgiveness for me to move forward. The first thing I learned is that parents are human beings that may not come to your rescue if you have a problem. Also, there is support for you in the form of friends and networks like Black Survivors. The healing also comes from helping others.

If I meet the 9 year-old me, I would tell her to head straight to her Godmother's house and tell them everything. If that doesn't work, go to the police station. Unfortunately, she was given tons of Sex Ed classes and saw many programs on TV for minors to report predators. Too bad she lived in a house where her only advice was "keep your panities on, legs closed and mouth shut."