. . . . i believed that there was a brighter day .

It’s been implied just don’t worry about it. But not worry or thinking about only hurts you more. Life goes on they say; I never thought that there could be a better life than the hell I’m living in now. I’ve always thought this is how thing are suppose to be. I’m supposed to be mad, sad and scared all the time. My parents will fight my battle.

Now I’m 18 and I feel like 6 years (11 YEARS) of my life has been wasted. ..
For six year of life I was abused by someone that meant a lot to me. At the age of six until I was twelve he raped and molested me. I don’t remember the exact days or the holiday (which is when it would happen because this is the time I would go visit my dad, but he was never there.)
He raped me numerous times while I was visiting. Often times I knew others knew. My memory is flawed. But I do remember my aunt walking in once and walking back out. As if it was ok. Or maybe she didn’t know that I saw her. But I sure did.
Anger doesn’t even describe what I feel. I felt lost. So now my mind is at war. Everyday is battle for an everyday Christian, and I’m not making my making my situation bigger or better than anyone else situation or circumstance but, for me, now I suffer with severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). But if you saw me I look like every other black girl.
First let me tell you how it feels. I felt empty not only because of what happened but because of what he took from me. My virginity. My peace. My love. My joy.
My virginity; something I’ll never get back. But my peace, joy and love. These are things I need.
This was supposed to be something that was for my husband.

And I know some may ask six years? That’s too long for it not to be consensual sex. But it wasn’t. And this is how the devil has plagued my mind for years. As if I consented to have sex with him, which wasn’t the case.

Often time I find myself drifting/ dissociation (in my mind) to a safe place, my haven. It’s something I have to do because if not my emotions may over take me, BUT I don’t do it on purpose. It’s a defense mechanism of which my body, my emotions, my mind has taken advantage of. It’s good at times but often times I get lost and don’t remember what was being said to me before my mind started drifting.
This is very hard for me to over come. I often try and not think about it but, fear and doubt ran my life. I refuse to believe that this is best life I can ever live. The devil is a liar and the truth is not in him.

Wonderfully, you are so young compared to me and with all the knowledge available, you have many more years of peace/happiness even though it looks so hopeless now.

You may want to find someone that can help you with the dissociation you describe, if you feel it keeping you from fulling living.

They are working with PTSD with a technique called EFT with the Veterans. I wrote about it in Sources, you could check it out. I am using it on myself for depression, PTSD, insomnia, and other mental/health issues. I have tried many alternative modalities to better myself.

I just realized besides PTSD from child sexual abuse, my sisters/brothers/myself suffer PTSD from being children of a white woman and black man. It was hard coming up in the racist 40's with the mean things/words black and white people did/said to us. We all have so much to learn about how we treat and talk to each other.

So I understand wonderfully, keep seeking, talking, sharing with folks that have your welfare in mind.

Santacruz

yea , i'm in the process now of finding group therapy or counseling. but as far as medication for PTSD i won't take it. mostly because i don't want to gain weight for any type of medication.

I don't know alot about the different types of medication for PTSD, and I personally think it is a choice a person should decide with their doctor whether or not they want to take it...In addition to that, there are also wholistic (meaning non-medical) ways to deal with PTSD, like Amanae, and a whole SLEW of holistic techniques that deal with treating PTSD (and you don't gain weight). If you want more info, definitely check out some of the other posts throughout this site on different techniques under the various topics. However, if you want to know more about Amanae, which is one of the many wholistic techniques I used, go to www.blacksurvivors.org & you'll find a link to the site under the "Resources for Healing" tab.

wonderfully wrote: yea , i'm in the process now of finding group therapy or counseling. but as far as medication for PTSD i won't take it. mostly because i don't want to gain weight for any type of medication.