Where do I go from here?

Yesterday a question popped in my head. Am I the problem? Do I respect men? Honestly, I don't think so. As I reflect, I can't help but see that all of my failed relationships are mainly due to the truth that subconciously I do not trust men. During my relationships all I could see was that "they" just weren't that into me. That's all my mind would allow me to see. Up until yesterday. Today I see that "I" wasn't into them. Never was. It was my fantasy that attracted me to them, and kept me with them, until I couldn't take anymore. I addicted to living in fantasy. It is my safe place. My safe-haven. My comfort zone. Thanks to my step-father, fantasy is where I prefer to live. I was around 8 or 9 when the sexual abuse started- 18 when it ended with him. I left home and started abusing myself. Promiscuity, attraction to emotionally unavailable men- at times women; I abused myself in some of the worst ways. I love to be alone, if I feel someone trying to get "get to know me" "enter my world", I shy away. Man or woman. This keeps me from evolving. Although I know this, It's hard for me to get past it. It's hard for me to trust. Maybe because I don't trust myself. Damn, this is hard. Overcoming this. Not feeling like a freak in the process. Where do I go from here? Until next time,

MoonChild 72, you are at the right place. when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

My abuse age was similar to yours, except my started at 2 or 3yrs, then at 9years with 2nd abuser, then again at 9 years with 3rd abuser until 18 years of age. I must have worn a sign: Abuse me. Now, I don't wear it any longer.

You are not a "freak", someone altered your childhood with their lack of control/their issues at an age that cut off your normal childhood. Remember, "when you know better, you do better". (see what I wrote to ladyreed, it may help you).

Don't give up, ever!

Santacruz

Hi MoonChild72,
I definitely agree with santacruz. I don't know if you realize it, but you're already further along in your recovery than most sexual abuse survivors. I say this because you've already identified the problem and you're doing an honest assessment of yourself and that's half the battle. Where do you go from here? You take action. One of the best ways to heal from the effects of sexual abuse is by not keeping silent. Seeking support from other sexual abuse survivors like you're doing here. And perhaps, one day, attending an in-person support group for sexual abuse survivors. By the way, I can definitely relate to feeling attracted to emotionally unavailable men and not wanting others to get too close. Unfortunately, these are unhealthy coping mechanisms for many sexual abuse survivors...The good news is, you can heal. The not so good news is that it's going to require patience and forcing yourself to do the things you are most uncomfortable doing in order to heal: like going to a support group REGULARLY, and reaching out to friends, etc. Regarding the friend thing, go slow; start with one friend you can hang out with once a month or one you can call once a month, then gradually increase. Also, with friends, I use to tell them up front, "I'm having a hard time this week; but don't take it person if you don't hear from me this week. However, I will call you on Monday. In the meantime, feel free to text me." This will help both you & your friends & will prevent you from completely pushing them away. With the relationship thing, I know from personal experience, that this will take some time because you will stop desiring unavailable men as you begin to heal more from sexual abuse. By the way, in the beginning of the healing process (first few months), you will be forcing yourself to do alot of "healthy" things but it will become more naturally in time.

MoonChild72 wrote:Yesterday a question popped in my head. Am I the problem? Do I respect men? Honestly, I don't think so. As I reflect, I can't help but see that all of my failed relationships are mainly due to the truth that subconciously I do not trust men. During my relationships all I could see was that "they" just weren't that into me. That's all my mind would allow me to see. Up until yesterday. Today I see that "I" wasn't into them. Never was. It was my fantasy that attracted me to them, and kept me with them, until I couldn't take anymore. I addicted to living in fantasy. It is my safe place. My safe-haven. My comfort zone. Thanks to my step-father, fantasy is where I prefer to live. I was around 8 or 9 when the sexual abuse started- 18 when it ended with him. I left home and started abusing myself. Promiscuity, attraction to emotionally unavailable men- at times women; I abused myself in some of the worst ways. I love to be alone, if I feel someone trying to get "get to know me" "enter my world", I shy away. Man or woman. This keeps me from evolving. Although I know this, It's hard for me to get past it. It's hard for me to trust. Maybe because I don't trust myself. Damn, this is hard. Overcoming this. Not feeling like a freak in the process. Where do I go from here? Until next time,