right now...

Right now, I'm in the process of doing more community outreach about sexual abuse in the black community. I can't say I was always for doing this type of work. Initially, I didn't want people to know I was a sexual abuse survivor, especially other black people. Back then, I just didn't think this type of thing really happened to black people. Boy was I ignorant! When I started getting help with dealing with what had happened to me, I began slowly coming out of my shell. It took about 2-3 years for me to really start telling other people what happened to me. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't jump right into helping other sexual abuse survivors too quickly because I later learned that sexual abuse survivors can relapse or regress all of the hard work they put into healing themselves if they extend themselves to others too soon. So, where am I right now? It's been almost 10 years since I first began the healing process. I still participate in a weekly support group for incest survivors because I learned the hard way, that sexual abuse survivors need a CONSTANT support system in some shape or form. I also teach a workshop at a local community program for black sexual abuse survivors and their supporters. And I've written a book detailing my recovery from childhood sexual abuse...right now, however, I what I most enjoy is connecting with other sexual abuse survivors. Never thought in a million years I would say that! But, I really do enjoy helping and learning from other sexual abuse survivors!

for a very long time iv've felt like there was something that i needed to do... that i must do but could not figure it out!!!!! now i know what it is...... to speak to as many people that look like me about my life of sexual abuse during my childhood. as an adult my voice did no tcome to me until i was in my mid 30's ( which is where im still at lol) but as a black man and an educator of children (grades k - 6) i feel a great responsibility to comeforward and to do all that i can to be a voice for thse who hve not found theirs as of yet. i now host a talk show on blogtalkradio.com. if you would like to check out my show or maybe even be a guest my show page information can be found @ this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thesolsurvivor

pece

Right now, I am walking around hurt, angry and not trusting anyone. I have trouble in my relationships and am trying to figure out how to deal. I am no good in a relationship but scared to be alone...no wins!

I can relate to the hurt, anger & trust issues. I read your other posts too heavysoul. At one point in my life, I had to step away from a VERY serious relationship to focus on my recovery. It was not easy in any sense of the word. In fact, I went back to the relationship many times because I was lonely. Funny thing is, I was feeling lonely whether I was in the relationship or not. How crazy is that?!!! I would later find out that I was depressed. I can only liken our behavior to that of an drug addict. We keep relapsing until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Unfortunately, there was no such thing as an online support group back then when I hit rock bottom, so I had to go to therapy & a 12-step support group. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I always embraced therapy. In fact, I was VERY rude and resistant to therapy back in the day. I almost didn't come back after the first visit. But, as I know now, therapy takes persistence, consistence and patience. At one point, I had to switch therapist because the one I had wasn't working for me. Anyway, I say all this to say that if we take the easy road and fall back into old patterns, life will be hard; but if we do what is most hard for us to do, life will be easier...I'm not saying step out of your relationship right now, but it may help to try baby steps like reading whatever you can on sexual abuse and relationships. You sound like a smart woman who is very knowledgeable, but reading other people's stories may give you a new perspective on these issues. Life will eventually give you a "lightbulb" moment when you will know without a doubt what needs to be done in your life to resolve these issues, but that will only happen when you're really ready... One final note, something my therapist always says when I ask why does this keep happening to me, "You will keep having these experiences until you have learned the lesson you are supposed to learn." Hang in there Heavysoul! And know that you have a safe support system here to keep sharing your experience. I really admire your courage to be so honest about your emotions!

heavysoul12 wrote:Right now, I am walking around hurt, angry and not trusting anyone. I have trouble in my relationships and am trying to figure out how to deal. I am no good in a relationship but scared to be alone...no wins!

Thanks for all the support that you all have given me. This road is not easy at all. It is like being a drug addict or something. Its like I keep trying but failing and I am getting so so tired. This website is truly a Godsend for me because like you said I am in a relationship and still so lonely because the person that I am in a relatonship with does not get me, abuse and why it affects me the way it does. I have never really had anyone who excuses me and my effed up ways because I was abused. Point blank the world does not care why you are this way or that way or why you react a certain way. They just do not care and it is so hard to try to be "normal" and be something that you are not to please others and walk in the mainstream. Oh I am so ready to learn the lessons that I am supposed to learn. I do question why this has happened to me because as of yet, I do not have a testimony or a breakthrough or something positive. This ish has ruled and attempted to ruin my life. But I am gonna keep pushing....

Hey Heavysoul, yeah it's frustrating waiting for that breakthrough. This is some REALLY deep traumatic stuff that we've been through. And we have been carrying it around for a long time, so it's going to take a while to fix it. And you're so right, it's really hard for others to understand what we're going through how even the simpliest tasks or requests are so difficult for us. They think we don't want to be happy because our behavior says otherwise, and don't understand how their lack of understanding is NOT helping. That's why it's important to for our love ones to also get help or be educated about sexual abuse, but, I'll create another post about this later because I do not want to imply that we can't heal unless our partners or love ones get help. Sometimes during this healing process we find that that person can no longer have a front row seat in our lives. Or others find that their parters are not the problem, but they are. Recovery from sexual abuse takes persistence, consistence and patience. For most of us, change does not happen overnight. But, you will see change happening overtime because as they say in 12-Step Meetings: Feelings of self-pity will slip away. And it will become easier to make decisions that use to baffle you. You will see those situations with new clarity. You will no longer attract negative situations and people because you will no longer desire them, or feel the need to use them as a "safety net." How will you know all this is happening for you? By keeping a journal. A journal is not just for pouring out your emotions, but it is a real, tangible way to track your own progress. I can't tell you how many times I've looked back at old journal entries and said, "For real?!! That was me? I used to think like that?!!!" It's as if I were someone else. And you know what? I was someone else back then and I wouldn't have seen how much I've changed and grown if I didn't keep that journal. And that's called SELF VALIDATION. What a great gift you can give yourself! By the way, all those journals eventually led to me writing my first book, "Creating a New Normal: Cleaning Up a Dysfunctional Life."

You know what...journaling is something I have been doing since I was little. I just found a diary from my middle and high school years which showed my issues with my sexuality, anger with my parents and some issues as the result of my sexual abuse. And to this day, I still journal on xanga.com. I have an online diary which I believe will probably be a book one day. I am not sure what I would do without writing. I know for a fact that I would be insane or would have caused somebody some serious harm. I like to look back at my entries and see the person I used to be and the evolution of ME! So all in all, I am a journaler, it is more than recreation, it is necessity.