History of Approval Seeking and Sexual Behavior

How does one tell their life story? If you ask me where I am now, I'd tell you that I'm in my final year of college pursuing nursing (getting my bachelors) and doing well. But, for as long as I can remember, sex has been a part of my life. That being said, I'm still a virgin. I've never been penetrated.

My first sexual encounter was when i was 3 years old. It was with a boy who was one year older. He said he loved me and we'd run away together. we kissed and I showed him my genitals. He told me that one day we'd get married and we'd have sex. We agreed that we'd lock the doors so that if our family tried to keep us apart they wouldn't let us in. That was my first memory with the opposite sex. After that, he and I stopped talking as the guilt just kept building up inside of me. But I remember always trying to open mouth kiss my grandmother. I always use to try to put my tongue in her mouth and she'd slap me or push me away. But that never stopped me. I'd stop for a while, but I'd come back and try again. I remember that...

When I moved to the states. I met a little girl who became good friends with me. I don't remember ever really talking to her about anything, but my mom said we were close. I don't know how I got the idea, but I know it was MY idea and I told her to meet me in the bathroom. We rubbed our genitals together everyday until we were caught by our classmates. They tried to tell the teacher, but she didn't listen and we weren't going to bring it up. But she told her mom, who told my grandma what happened and I spent that entire day in a series of tears and blackouts. I didn't want to tell anyone about what happened I felt so ashamed. Shortly after, I moved back to the islands and asked my mom to let me stay. She agreed.

When I was 7, my grandma died of cancer. My grandfather seemed to take it the hardest. He started drinking a lot, staying out at bars all day. I remember when I use to take showers, sometimes my aunt would bathe with me to help me wash my back. Because there was poor lighting, we'd have to leave the door open so we could see. My grandpa use to come back there and just stand by the door watching outside. I remember one time he did it and my aunt told him to leave but he wouldn't. He just acted like he wasn't looking at us out of the corner of his eye. Looking back, i wonder if he was really looking at me. My aunt had to throw a soda bottle at him to get him to move. But I remember that one day after taking a shower alone, I came out the shower and went to dry my skin. I remember closing the door and when I turned around, I saw eyes watching me naked through the keyhole. I froze and stared at that eye, holding the towel close to my body. It was my grandpa and after staring at me for a while, he walked away. Shortly after, we had to go pick my cousin up from daycare. all of my cousins jumped into the car and I wanted to sit in the back seat with them, but my grandpa insisted I come sit up front with him. He yelled at me to. When we got to the daycare, all my cousins jumped out to go get my cousin and I tried to go as well but my grandma told me to stay. I said no and tried to unbuckle my seatbelt but he yelled at me and I froze. As he did so, he put his hand on my knee, squeezed it, looked at me and smile. I felt his intent and I froze. I just looked at him and then I stopped speaking. He didnt' do anything after that but he became increasingly mean to me after. He'd yell at me for no reason, try to tell me what to do, he'd treat my lighter skinned cousin better than me, telling me to take off his shoes and making me give my cousin food before I could eat. When i told my aunt about what he did, she told me I was overthinking it and that it wasn't sexual but caring. She put her hand on my leg and said, "see? Does that make you feel uncomfortable?" It wasn't, but it had a different intent and I tried to put it out of my memory.

In middle school, I just felt like none of the guys liked me. It all felt like girls had to put out...the darker skinned ones seemed to have to put out the most. The guys would call them "black bitch" and hit them, grab their butts in the hallway. I was groped, I had guys try to put their hand up my shirt, I was even humped at certain points. BUt I never felt like I was liked. Longing for validation, I joined chat rooms and just tried to convince myself that if i could get the guys there to say they liked me, then maybe I could prove that I wasn't worthless, that I was that person I felt myself to be inside. I didn't realize that many of those guys complimented me for sexual favors, that they were filling my head with sweet nothings so that I would cyber sex with them. I had on online guy encounter who said he was 14, but I knew in my heart he was much older. He would say nice things to me, we'd cyber sex, and then he'd snap at me or leave. It hurt looking back and realizing that he was also an online friend with another friend of mine and he never treated her that way. I just kept giving in and when I told some of my peers of the opposite sex years later, I was indirectly called stupid, idiotic, and many other things. They didn't understand what it felt like to just feel the need to prove that one is not...worthless as others made me feel.

I never felt like guys really liked me. I was always chastised for being something. Too quiet, too hairy (I'm hairy for a girl), too dark, my lips were too big, too...I had my first boyfriend when I was 17 and he was the first person I had ever told all this too. He couldn't understand it, told me to move on as nicely as possible and commented that he felt the reason I wouldn't have sex with him was because of my past, that he felt like I was punishing him. I just never felt like I could have sex with him. Not because I didn't love him. I did love him. And I feel in my heart he loved me. I just felt like I had sacrificed so much of myself to be the person he wanted me to be that I lost all will and desire to be intimate with him and to this day I'm still a virgin.

I feel misunderstood and unaccepted. For years I've tried to feel accepted which is what got me into cybersexing in middle school in the first place. I never continued cybersexing with random men past middle school and sought healthier outlets for my feelings. Field hockey, Track, tennis, green schools, bridging racial gaps, toast masters, etc... I did well in school and took AP everything, but on the inside, I just never felt accepted or validated. Men/males have always been something that...could never really be a healthy part of my world. Every relationship I've had with the opposite sex both online and offline, I've given and given and given until I've lost my sense of self and then THEY'D leave me. It wasn't until a few days ago that I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to submit and self-sacrifice myself like that anymore. I went through a series of crying spells...that lasted 3 weeks and I just started writing about it until I came to the conclusion that I can't keep doing this to myself, selling my soul for a few positive words and validation.

It's been a rough 3 weeks, a real emotional roller coaster just going through all the emotions trying to process a lot of what I've been through with the opposite sex in the last 3 years. I haven't shared that story here but I've shared it on another site. Emotionally, I'm just ready to move forward, to stop looking for approval and affirmation and to just accept myself as I am. That girl who just wants to be a nurse and travel, to have a dog and to one day fall in love with someone who loves and accepts her 100% as she is because I do believe it's possible.

It is very possible for you to have the life you want without compromising who you really are. First we have to figure out who that is. Congratulations on taking the first step and starting the grieving process. You must go through the fire, allowing yourself to feel the pain, understanding that what happened to you was not your fault, being upset and outraged about what you've been through, releasing the anger and pain associated with what you've been through, then expressing love for yourself....understanding what it means to love yourself will be key.

I'm glad you were able to learn early on how to redirect your energy into more positive activities. It's important that you not let anger and unforgiveness control your path.

Let me ask you...how will you know you have accepted yourself and no longer need approval from others?

aworthy wrote:It is very possible for you to have the life you want without compromising who you really are. First we have to figure out who that is. Congratulations on taking the first step and starting the grieving process. You must go through the fire, allowing yourself to feel the pain, understanding that what happened to you was not your fault, being upset and outraged about what you've been through, releasing the anger and pain associated with what you've been through, then expressing love for yourself....understanding what it means to love yourself will be key.

I'm glad you were able to learn early on how to redirect your energy into more positive activities. It's important that you not let anger and unforgiveness control your path.

Let me ask you...how will you know you have accepted yourself and no longer need approval from others?

aworthy, that's such a good question and one I'm searching my soul for. I don't know. When I envision someone who has accepted themselves and who no longer needs approval from others, I think of someone who is talkative, very loved, very outspoken and who can drop all duties at the drop of a hat if they so felt like it...because they don't feel an obligation to anyone. Someone who's impervious to even the men she's attracted to.

When you say"drop all duties" what does that mean?

aworthy wrote:When you say"drop all duties" what does that mean?

When you're asked to hang out with friends and you say no because youre really not interested and they urge you and you give in because you feel it's your duty as a friend. That's what I think of.

So if you were to tell skomeone no, or let them know you weren't interested, what is the worst thing that could happen?

It depends really. I've learned to be comfortable saying no to most people with the exception of some who it just seems like they take it personally when I say no to them. This isn't about sex, but about co-workers, peers, "superiors".