THIS IS HARD

The first memory I have of being molested had to be when I was about four years old. It happened at the hands of an older cousin who was either visiting or staying with my family. I remember it so vividly, its sickening. He placed a towel on my parents bed and put me on the towel. I'm not sure if he penetrated me or not but I do remember seeing his semen. Another incident happened when I was about the same age with yet another cousin. He made me perform oral sex on him and its like I can still remember the disgusting taste as crazy as that may sound. The third cousin was living with us. There were numerous incidents with him. He actually made me bleed (I dont wanna say took my virginity) when I was five years old. My older brother knew what was going on with this cousin but he never told. To this day I dont understand why he didn't tell my mama. I remember trying to use the bathroom and it hurt so bad. My mama took me to the pediatrician and she examined me. Before leaving the room, she told my mama that something didn't look right in my vaginal area. My mother turned to me and asked, "You didn't let nobody mess with you, did you?" LET?!?!?!?! I was five years old. I couldn't control what happened to me but the way she asked me was as if I could have stopped it or prevented it. Of course my answer to her question was "no" because I was scared and thought I would get into trouble. There was also an uncle who molested me. He would come and get me out of my cousin's room and take me into the living room, molest me, and then give me ice cream. To this day, I have the strongest feeling that my aunt or at least one of my cousins know what was going on.

I often wonder why was I the target. Was it because I was so quiet? Or shy? My family life wasn't great. My dad basically beat my mama whenever he felt like it. My brothers and I were terrified and so scared of him. Maybe that's why I was taken advantage of...because they knew I wouldn't tell out of fear of not them but my own father. I wonder why my mama never noticed anything or why she didn't ask me about it in a different way when the doctor told her that something was wrong. WHY ME???? The abuse I suffered is still affecting me to this day. I cannot be happy no matter what, I can't maintain a healthy, happy relationship, I will cry at the drop of a hat, I don't like being around people, I can never go out with friends and enjoy myself and the abuse happened over 25 years ago. But, it still feels like I am being abused. I pray everyday but what happened to me in my childhood has a hold on me. I can't live my life to the fullest with this still haunting me. I feel like I may need to get counseling. I don't know what to do.

It is very hard, but very doable. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but take it from a survivor, you can be whole. Based on your post i hear you wondering why you were abused, which lets me know you are also wanting to understand the actions of others. I know asking why may seem like the right course of action, but there is no justifiable reason to take advantage of a beautiful child.

Your life has been altered by the hands of others, but you don't have to stay on this scary path. You can start to walk on the path that is destined for you, but you have to want to let go of the pain. You are completely justified in your anger! But we don't want that poison to destroy your calling.

Give yourself permission to heal...You are worthy of healing.