I SABOTAGE MY HAPPINESS

Sabatoge: an act or process tending to hamper or hurt
I titled my introduction "just wanna be happy" but it seems that there's nothing and no one that can make me happy. I've been in a relationship with my daughter's father for five years. Well, I was. Today he told me that he is done. He also told me that there is nothing that he can do to please me or make me happy. I wanted to deny that statement but I did not have a rebuttal. The sad part is that he is not the first person to say that to me. I feel that I've sabatoged every relationship that I've ever been in. My daughter's father isn't a perfect man but then again no one is perfect. But he is a hard worker, very loving father, trustworthy, and he has a good heart. But, leave it to me to find any imperfection to point out. I completely understand why he is tired of me, I think I would be too. But that just takes me back to my childhood and the abuse I suffered. If it never happened would I be happy, would I be a better person, would I know how to love, would I not be so paranoid that something bad will happen to my children, would I be successful. Since the age of seven, I've been praying to be happy. I am now 33 years old. I sometimes question God as to why I was ever born. The first memories I have are of being molested and of my dad beating my mom. My childhood was terrible. I think that's why I try so hard to make sure that my children are happy. I was in Wal-Mart the other day and this lady came up to me and asked do I believe in readings. I've never had a reading so I told her no. She then proceeded to "read" me. She told me that I am very unhappy and I wear a smile all of the time even though I am unhappy. She also said that the unhappiness is like a weight on my shoulders and neck. That totally freaked me out because she was so on point. If she can see it, can everybody else see it too?

Yes, other people can see it. A friend and I were just discussing the trap of unforgiveness, and how you have to let things go because people can see it. Sounds like you haven't been able to forgive yourself, and as a result you reflect your resentment and unhappiness onto others. That is why you have to forgive yourself, and release the negative feelings that were associated with your abuse. Eventhough you are so right to be angry, hurt, distrustful, etc...There is no way to go back and change it. The only thing you can do is change the way it impacts you. Easier said than done, I know...but once you let this resonate, and you begin to believe it, that weight will begin to lift.

You were created to carry out a very diivine and unique purpose. God created you with good things in mind and you will carry them out, as soon as you allow yourself to. You are able to do so much more than you think. That's the secret...It all begins with what you think. We must work on changing how you view the abuse, by looking for the treasure in the trauma. As a survivor I thought my life had no value, until I began to understand that I had a purpose. Then I found strength in helping other survivors because I know where they've been. Now I can look back at the multiple incidents of abuse and not worry. God is using my past to pave my future path. He can do the same for you.

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. You are right about me not forgiving myself. I don't think that I know how to forgive myself. I guess all that I can do is pray and hope that one day I can move on with my life.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. We are in complete control of it, but it's so hard for us to do. Saying let it go is not enough. How do you let it go? I have one question for you, and that is, "What would you like to happen?" or "How would you like your life to change?"

I would like to experience true happiness. I just want to know what it feels like. I would like to be more confident because I think that I could accomplish so much more if I didn't let my fears hinder me. But most importantly, I would like to be a better mother. I hate that my children have to see me so sad so often.

At least you know what you want to acheive. Many people have any idea how they would like their life to change, and as a result can't seem to do anything about it. So let's look at the sadness piece first. What is causing you sadness? What is requiring you to continue feeling this way?