letting in out finally

Hello Black Survivors,

I am so glad that I found this site today and found it a blessing that it was in Essence. So here I go telling my story....

When I was about 5-6 years of age I was molested several times. I remember it vividly. I moved into my aunts home at 3 years of age after my biological mother passed away. She was married to a man and they had a very blended family. Her husband took me in as his own and I still appreciate that to this day. Well he already had a son and daughter through another marriage and my aunt had a son of her own. They then had a daugther together. I go on to explain this because without the background of where I come from it is hard to understand where I stand today. I also call all of my cousins (blood or not) my siblings and I call my aunt and her ex-husband my mother and father.

So one summer day I was playing with my brother (my father's son) and I were playing hide and seek/tag outside and I remember him vividly holding me. I absolutely loved my brother and looked up to him for everything because we were so close. Well he led me inside to his bedroom and together we lay naked on his bed rubbing until he ejaculated. When my mother was looking for me he hid me in his closet until the coast was clear still naked with his ejaculate on me. He was 13 or 14 years of age then. This was done several times until my mother and father divorced.

So here I am 29 years old and a social worker working with people with all kinds of problems and the more I work with people who have been molested the more I want to tell my story and want to talk to someone about it. I have never told anyone in my family about it. I sometimes believe that they already know but it is something not talked about. I continue to this day to have a close relationship with my brother even after the fact and I know that when I tell people about it (especially my friends) they don't understand why I continue to love him and talk to him on a daily basis. Well I forgave him a long time ago. I have never talked about this with him and I want to but find it difficult to do so. I really feel like he was molested as well. He has struggled with his sexuality and finally came out as a gay man when he was in his twenties. He has been very promiscuous in his adulthood and I feel like he is that way because of the trauma he may have endured. I don't know. My father tried to do something with me when I was 19 years old and when I told my mother she freaked out and all of my siblings quit talking to him. I don't want this...but I hate that I've held on to this for so long.

It hurts because I feel like no man wants me sometimes. I fell into depression in high school and college. I had a long term relationship with a man but it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I feel like God has helped me to forgive but it is hard for me to forget. I'm no longer depressed, but I like the fact that I can speak publically here and can free up something inside of me.

Thank you for listening.

Hello Kris104986,
That's what we are here for. For people that have experienced sexual abuse to be able to have an outlet to tell their stories. I congratulate you on this step! All things come in due time. From your post, I see that your Faith has kept you strong. I say this because as a victim of abuse, you have allowed your pain to magnify ten fold and give back to troubled youth. Don't just allow Faith to allow you to help others, but use it to help yourself continue to heal. You have already forgave your brother, but yet you still feel the need to talk to him about the matter. Let Faith guide you and things will fall into place. Perhaps, your brother is also looking for someone to express some past hurts to. This could be a great way for the two of you to help each other.

Regardless of your past hurts, please don't allow them to get in the way of your future relationships. Learning to love yourself will give you all the love that you need to love others and to KNOW that you can have successful relationships. But healing yourself is where it all begins! Speaking as a Victor, I know the journey to healing is well worth it!

Unique Vizunz

Hello Kris104986,

Whenever I hear of people struggling with forgiveness I love to step in and bring a little clarity, if I can. If you forgive someone, that doesn't mean that you have to forget. It does mean that you no longer allow that person or situation to control your life. You acknowledge that the abuse occured but you don't want it to prevent you from moving forward. Forgiveness can be very difficult because you feel like you've earned the right to feel the way you do. It's almost empowering to hold on to the anger and frustration, but it's power moving in the wrong direction.

God doesn't want you to forget...He wants you to be whole, but to also be careful and aware so you can protect yourself. He doesn't want to see you live a painful existence from day to day, thinking that no man wants you. He wants you to realize your beauty and your gifts and to embrace both of them.

Help us empower you. If you could change one thing about your life today (not from the past) what would it be?