I just wanted to be a kid

My abuse started at 9...maybe younger I'm not really sure. I remember after taking a bath, my dad came in the room and said he needed to check me to make sure I was clean. He then began to use his fingers to penetrate me. I remember thinking...this hurts. I felt weird but I thought that it was ok because it was my dad. It was quick and I think because my mom was in the other room. It gets blurred after that. My next memories are when he use to come over (he was married) and send my mom to the store and then he would come in my room and molest me. I hated it but I was scared to say anything because I didnt feel like I could. My next memory is as I got older my dad would offer me money so I could out with my friends but It was understood that I had to let him have sex with me. There would be times that I would call him to and ask for money and then tell him he could pick me up. I promise I didnt want those things to happen. I just wanted to be able to hang out with my friends and have money for the mall or just be like my friends. My mom didnt have alot of money so she alot of times she would tell me to ask my dad. When I was like 17 or a little younger I began to distance myself. I would never call or buy gifts. I remember telling myself that I could never confront him. I was really shy and felt like the only way to get over it was that he had to die. I kinda willed him dead at times. Needless the say he died when I was 23. I'm 40 now. Of course that didnt solve the problem, I didnt know another way out. I blamed myself for the abuse because I would call him for money and I was like 13 to 16. I felt that at that age I should have known better. I do realize (kinda) that it wasnt my fault but I still feel like it is. I've come a long way and I still struggle with this. I dont have all the answers. All I know is I want to get better and that I'm not giving up. I'm just so tired. I need help.