Unfinished Business

My molestation happened when I was about 6 years old. My parents had divorced and a custody battle followed. My sister and I lived initially with our Mother and then with our Father for about 18 months. Then my Mother regained custody and we returned to live with her and her new husband and his brother. That's when the problems began.

My Mother was a very educated woman who felt really lost in her personal/emotional life. She often said that inside she felt like a child. So after her divorce she married the first man who showed her attention. He was uneducated and led a criminal existence. I think my Mother believed that she could save him from himself or that her love would transform him. She left my sister and I in his care while she went to work. During her absence he and his brother molested me and my 8 year-old sister repeatedly. I can hardly express how terrified I was at the time. One day I told my Mother, as best as I could, that her husband and his brother refused to feed us unless we removed the food (like an orange or some other item) from his pants. She didn't respond to me at the time. And she continued to let them watch us during her absence. Our Father lived in another state at that time.

I can only say that the seed of intense anger was born in me on that day. And it remained through college and graduate school. During college I took classes on child development and read everything I could about sexual abuse and how to be a good parent. I felt this incredible, profound commitment not to repeat my Mother's mistake. I decided that if I couldn't protect my child, I would not become a parent.

It wasn't until I was in graduate school during a visit from my Mother, that I confronted her and asked why she didn't leave her husband then (she did eventually leave after he repeatedly threatened to kill her). She said that she asked her husband's brother about what I'd said and he denied it. She believed him and didn't feel they would harm my sister and me, even though they threatened her. (Ladies, I can only say that if your husband/boyfriend threatens you, he is also a danger to your children.) Then she became very upset and left the cafe where we were. I didn't tell her everything that happened because I could see that she felt very threatened by the conversation. She later apologized but asked why I couldn't just forget the past. And I suppose I couldn't because for me the greatest harm I experienced was her own lack of reaction and protection.

After graduate school I found different therapists who helped me work through most of the emotions I had around the molestation and my Mother's response. That freed me enormously, but not completely. I still found romantic relationships really difficult because although intellectually I believed that it is better to be alone than to be in an unhappy relationship, I didn't believe it emotionally. I still hid my true feelings from romantic partners and chose people who pursued me rather than people I truly wanted to have a relationship with. It wasn't until years later after marrying someone prematurely that I broke the spell that relationships had over me. I would still like to be in a relationship, but only with someone who I really feel I can trust based on actual experience, not on words alone. For me, trust is earned. And when someone tries to insist that I give them instant trust, a big bright red flag goes up for me.

Three years ago my Mother died suddenly and all of the feelings of love that I'd held for her before the abuse came rushing back. And I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness at the opportunity we lost as a family, as Mother and daughter. I was able to let go of most of my anger at her because after she died so many of her friends spoke freely to me about who she was as an individual, what her life was like when she married her second husband. Having more information about how she thought and felt gave me greater compassion for her and allowed me to forgive her.

But now I'm a Mom (through adoption). And sometimes I find that my experience as a child makes me very vigilant. At first, I honestly couldn't tell whether I was being too vigilant. I was really amazed at the number of parents of my daughter's preschool friends who asked if my daughter could go to a sleepover. Even when she was 3! I personally don't think a 3 year old needs to go on a sleep over. In fact, I don't agree with sleepovers at all. I don't see any compelling reason for it. And I rarely use a babysitter. I have less than 3 babysitters whom I use and whom I've checked thoroughly. If I have the slightest negative feeling about a sitter, I listen to that feeling. If my daughter says she doesn't like a particular sitter, then I end the relationship with that sitter. I'm exhausted sometimes, but I just don't want my daughter to be mistreated.

And I talk to my daughter about respecting the bodies of others and having them respect her body. I tell her as calmly and evenly as I can that no one has the right to touch her private parts, except during a visit to her pediatrician when I'm present. Even still, we recently were having a play date with a friend of hers, a boy who is also 6. They were playing in his room while we parents chatted. I walked into the room to tell her it was time to leave and nothing seemed wrong. But on the way home, she told me that he asked her to let him touch her vagina. She said no and he said "please" and she relented. She said that she knew she shouldn't have let him, but that he'd asked so politely.

I felt then, and still do, this incredible sadness that I hadn't protected her. I wasn't angry with her, I just reviewed with her everything we'd discussed about privacy and respect and our bodies and what's appropriate and what's not, etc. Then I called the boy's mother. She wasn't very helpful. She said she talked to him and he said that he admitted to touching my daughter's bottom. I told her that I thought that maybe someone was abusing him because he'd told my daughter not to tell me what happened and also said that my daughter could sit on his face and that someone he referred to as "like a sister" (maybe the daughter of a friend of his mother) had done the same thing to him. I told his mother and she said she couldn't imagine who that was. But I just don't feel she's being honest with herself. And I noticed during the visit that she was a little too firm with him (e.g., pinching him when he misbehaved). I think he was afraid to be honest with her. I told her we wouldn't be able to know them anymore. I don't want my daughter anywhere near her son. And I don't feel she knows how to talk to her son (they're also African-American) about molestation and sexual abuse, etc. His Mother didn't even say that she was sorry. And she hasn't called since.

Now my daughter asks if she can see this little boy. And I've had to tell her that I don't feel he's ready to be a good friend, and that I don't approve of what he did. I said I felt he needs more instruction from his Mom and Dad about boundaries and privacy before he can be a friend. What I didn't tell her is that I deleted their phone number from my contacts list and have no intention of talking to them again.

I know that what happened to my daughter is not the same as adult molestation of children. But I still feel upset about it and want her to understand that no one (not another child, not an adult, not me, no one) has the right to violate the privacy of another person, and that children cannot consent to sexual abuse. Still, I feel upset with myself that I let the two children play alone in the boy's room, even though I told them to leave the door open. I will never do that again. Kids need to play in sight of adults. I feel sorry for that little boy, but I don't know what else I can do for him beyond having spoke to his Mother. I'd welcome any feedback on this incident.

And that incident has made me wonder whether I have unfinished business with my Mother's ex-husband and his brother. For many years the memory of these men haunted me. And my sister never discussed it with me. So I felt very alone in my family at times. One day, as an adult, I asked my sister about it. She said she had no memory of it. But a few years before she mentioned to me that she and our Mother returned to the house where it had happened and were stunned to see that the house had burned down and was just an empty, burned-out lot. She said they both started crying. I felt sad that they didn't ask me to come or tell me about it sooner. Maybe they thought I was too young to remember.

About five years later, my sister committed suicide. I think in part her breakdown was because of the stress of so many unresolved molestation issues and her belief that she wasn't really loved. And I understand how she felt. I know our parents loved us on an emotional level, but not always on a practical level. But they were also within the grip of so many personal fears and taboos about what could be discussed. My Mother never had a conversation with her mother about sex or personal boundaries. She was sent into the world of men without a clue. When she found herself pregnant and in labor at 18, she was dropped off at the hospital and told not to return. She survived, obtained a higher education. But she remained until her death someone who could not calmly make others respect her boundaries. I'm encouraged by the fact that just before she died she'd made the decision to leave another unhappy relationship. She called the moving company a few days prior.

My daughter wants a father very much. But I just can't marry unless I know (intellectually and emotionally) that it's right. He needs to be kind, decent, transparent and educated. I wish my daughter's ability to have a father didn't depend upon me. I had to tell her that I believe she would be an excellent daughter and that she deserves an amazing Dad, but that I feel our lives would be worse if I chose someone who wasn't kind. But I know she still feels a certain sadness about it. And yet yesterday when we had dinner with friends and the father in that family was being unreasonably strict and really mean with his young daughter, my daughter whispered to me that she was glad he wasn't her Dad. So maybe she's beginning to understand.

I would say that I'm 90 percent healed. I don't know if the remaining 10% will ever disappear. I have spent so many years and so much money (!) getting over the past. And all of it could so easily have been avoided. It's just so much unnecessary suffering.

Now, the unfinished business I feel I have is that the men who molested my sister and I were never charged or confronted. Maybe they are still out there. They would be about 60 and 50 now. I would not be surprised to discover that they've molested other children. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I don't want our lives to cross in any way. But at the same time, I want some person of authority to monitor them and make sure that they're not molesting anyone. I have their names and the city where they came from. And I have a photo of one of them. (I was shocked that my Mother kept a photo.) But I don't have their current addresses. I just feel that I have a moral obligation to do what my Mother was too afraid to do. Does anyone out there have any suggestions?

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for sharing and much sympathy for the loss of your sister.

You sound like me in your writing.

I could not love my children the way they needed because of my own abuse. It is such a vicious cycle. Fear of something brings it into fruition, so be cautious and hope that your daughter will be able to share with you. I did not tell my mother even when she asked, it felt good and I thought it was my fault, but we all suffered behind my silence.

Your mother and so many women of that generation and before had none of the tools that we do now and you see how we still struggle. So it behooves us to forgive and try to understand their anguish too.

You say 10% to work on, just go one day at a time, do good to others, love and forgive them, time is going so swiftly. Share your story like you did here and give yourself some kudos for the work you have done on yourself. Love y Peace,